Suicide [...and all the emotions that come with it]

Suicide, or the taking of one's life, is a complicated issue for me.

On the one hand, one has to accept that a person's life is his/her own to do as he/she desires - even if this means to end it.

On the other hand, one has to ask what is the basis (reason) for this action.
Some may state that an action that results in increased suffering (of oneself and others) is
wrong;
though if the action results in decreased suffering (of oneself and others), it can be right.

Suicide, as another author [read this first] put it eloquently, is a reaction of an individual who suffers from a pain that he/she is no longer able to endure usually as a result of poor/limited coping skills.
There are two suggestions by this author: (1) reduce the pain and/or (2) expand one's repertoire of skills for coping with pain.

Once a rather emotionally labile person myself, I believe I grasp an understanding of unbearable pain. Pain so vivid you feel it oozing from your very pores - that you would do anything to make it stop. And, for a moment, I would entertain the idea that death was the only way it would end. However, I always felt I should give life one more chance. Each time, it was like looking life in the eye and saying, "one more... just one more."

Then, I lost a friend to suicide. (Funny how I make it sound like suicide was the cause of her death, and not that she chose to die.) That pain was unimaginable. I was consumed with guilt (anger directed towards myself) - she would come to me and share her woe, but how could I not have foreseen this? Eventually, I have come to terms with her death and accepted this reality. I have also come to accept that I did all that I was able to do given the circumstances. Yet, every time I am reminded of that moment in time, there is an ache - an overall sensation throughout my body rifled with dull pain.

What's the point of this post...? There is none.

Dutch Courage & Flippantness

[Note: I intended to keep this private, but the reason for that decision is no longer necessary]

"The phrase Dutch courage is a slang term for courage gained from intoxication by alcohol. It is synonymous with liquid courage."

Flippant (adjective) - treating serious matters with inappropriate light-heartedness or lack of respect

K Courage = 2 beers, 4 tequila shots, and an attitude that could care any less (flippant).

A conversation with JF revealed to me an aspect of my nature I never would think was a disadvantageous quality; yet, here I am writing to you (the reader), that selflessness can indeed be a disadvantage. And, JF's strategy was that I could handle it being an adult or a dick. Guess which option I chose.

****

The irony - the irony is that to be a dick, I had to resort to becoming a person I thought I had left in my past. A reactionary of sorts (shrugs) some might say. Yet, perhaps I should take heart that to return to that persona I needed an amount of alcohol I had not consumed in a long time. And, I was angry and flippant.

What was I angry about exactly? A person's behavior, whereby intimacy is achieved / understood through a revelation of one's emotions as elicited by remarks and comments that at times had a biting effect (of course, the person is just kidding). For example, person A says "xyz" and expects person B to respond with an "F U" - does this make any sense? Is it really necessary for bonding?

A point aside, I can understand the need for a person to see that an individual can "feel" and is being "real" - but what if I am not interested in putting the other person down, or coming up with something witty, funny, insulting as a throw-back. What if I simply see the situation as a meaningless attempt to goad at me, and do not wish to participate - does it, therefore, mean I do not wish to relate to this person or be real?

Perhaps, I've been there, done that & honestly am simply tired of it.

Identity (& Rights)

"I believe in human rights for everyone, and none of us is qualified to judge each other and that none of us should therefore have that authority."

"I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being, first and foremost, and as such I'm for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole."


"I am not a racist. I am against every form of racism and segregation, every form of discrimination. I believe in human beings, and that all human beings should be respected as such, regardless of their color."

-Malcolm X, http://www.malcolm-x.org/quotes.htm -

Last night, I was having a conversation (a random one as it usually is with TL) and Malcolm X was mentioned. TL stated that Malcolm X had said something to the effect of, "I am not black, I am not whatever you make me out to be..." This definitely got my gears turning [The Contemplative Psyche: The Box [A Rant]] - this statement does not stand for race alone. This statement stands for so many other aspects of one's own identity.

When asked how he considered himself (militant, violent, black, etc.), Malcolm X's reply was, "I consider myself Malcolm!" How true a statement that is!

Why should I limit myself to seeing me the way others choose to see me - for all I know, their view is limited in its own way. People become so blind by what they believe they want or choose to see that they forget to consider the person as a whole - and may miss out on the experience that is the person (good and bad; perhaps even neutral).

Similarly, why should I limit myself to seeing others in a particular way. TL once told me that he had one thing especially to offer with regards to knowledge, and that it hurt him when I did not approach him directly for his assistance on that subject matter. I may not know how he felt necessarily when I told him that he was wrong to think that's all I saw he had to offer and that there was much more to him that I appreciate (NOTE: this is a very formal delivery for what I essentially said), but that is the truth - I believe there is no limit to an individual's identity and that the moment I stop to label the person one way or another, that is the moment I stop appreciating the total sum of the individual.

What about rights ... ? 

As each individual human being, we are entitled to the rights that are permitted to every other individual human being. There should not be a discrimination based on race, color, gender, sexuality, age, etc. Yet, I have to always remember (as cheesy as this sounds), with rights come responsibility. And it is my responsibility to acknowledge and appreciate the rights afforded me, as well as to make it the rights of others who like me are fellow human beings.

The 3rd Wheel [An Observation]

What does it mean to be the 3rd Wheel? 

Sitting here in my favorite cafe, I cannot help but notice that one table over are two gentlemen having a conversation and next to one of them is a women; she looks lost. She sits there for awhile looking around the cafe, no doubt, thinking of how to entertain herself as her company engages in an involved conversation with the man seated across from him. Eventually, she pulls out a reporter's notebook and a pencil; yet, she still searches for the words to put in them. Constantly looking around, she seeks inspiration. Lost, she resorts to doodling. Then a moment's pause, she begins to write as she looks around the cafe. I wonder, is she doing as I - writing about the people and scene surrounding her. A quiet commentary. 

What does it mean to be the 3rd Wheel? 

It almost feels like your presence is unnecessary, even unwanted. Yet, one must wonder, if your presence was not welcomed - why were you asked to accompany in the first place. Then again, you are left with entertaining yourself. And I know, in my experience, I do not want to necessarily be left with my thoughts meandering in my empty head. So, I make friends; I turn around and talk to other "lonely" individuals. I walk around and engage myself in the surroundings. If there is music playing, I absorb myself into the melody and hum along to the lyrics. 

I think being the 3rd Wheel simply means an opportunity to engage oneself with someone/something other than the two individuals with whom one is "seated". 

Rain Showers

DI BALIK CERMIN MIMPI

Di balik cermin mimpi

Behind the dream mirror
Aku melihat engkau

I see you
Di dalam engkau

In you
Aku melihat aku

I see I (I see me)
Ternyata kita adalah sama

In fact we are the same
Di arena mimpi yang penuh bermakna

In the arena of a meaningful dream

Bila bulan bersatu dengan mentari

When the moon becomes one with the sun
Bayang-bayang ku hilang

My shadows are lost
Di selebungi kerdip nurani

Blanketed in the world
Mencurah kasih, kasih murni

Pouring love, pure love
Mencurah kasih
Pouring love

Di balik cermin, cermin mimpi

Behind the mirror, dream mirror
Adalah realiti yang tidak kita sedari

There is a reality of which we are not yet aware
Hanya keyakinan dapat merestui

Only confidence can bless

Hakikat cinta yang sejati

The fact that love is pure
Hakikat cinta yang sejati
The fact that love is pure

Dengan tersingkapnya tabir siang

The revelation of the day's veil
Wajah kita jelas terbayang
Our faces clearly seen

Dan terpecah cermin mimpi

And breaks the dream mirror 

Menjadi sinar pelangi
Become the rays of a rainbow

Pelangi

Rainbow