"Jealousy is one of the toughest feelings we come up against in our live, yet jealousy is a common human feeling.
Jealousy has something good to offer us - information about our own heart’s desire.
When we find that we are jealous of certain people, and we are aware of this jealousy - by acknowledging it, we may discover what we want for ourselves. This discovery is the first step to achieving our desire. Whatever it is, it is possible that we could create it for ourselves, in our own lives, if we are able to honor our own desires.
Other times, it may have to be a lesson about acceptance and the understanding that our path is different from the paths of those around us. While, it may be hard to see now - it will eventually be clear why our life has taken its particular path.
In the end, the best cure for jealousy is the recognition that the life we have is full of its own meaning and beauty, utterly unique to us—a gift that could never be found in the life of another."
Lately, I have been jealous. I am jealous of my friends who can be in the company and presence of their loved ones. Don't get me wrong - I am very fortunate to be able to say that I am loved. However, I have lived alone for a long time. True, I have friends - again, for whom I am very grateful. Yet, there is something to be said about the presence of unconditional support I can come home to on a regular basis. I trust (and know) that such support already exists in a form that cannot be touched, but I am beginning to realize that I seek more to be able to hold it in my arms. Awareness of my jealousy has only revealed to me my desire to be closed to the ones I love - selfishly, so I know the comfort of being in their presence. So now I work tirelessly towards my goal - to be with the ones I love.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Decision.
I'm putting my decision here.
We all wonder what we will be (or rather what work we will do) when we are all grown up. We look to our elders, our teachers, our peers for inspiration. We look to "heroes" to aspire us. We scrutinize our education, and cultivate our interests. We take stock of our passions, our talents, and the nature of our personalities. We hope we find something we will like doing - that speaks to us, that speaks about us. We hope we will be something that makes us proud of ourselves.
Growing up, I did not know what I wanted to be. My father is a medical doctor, my mother is a housewife. Many members of my family are in business, finance or engineering. Some are teachers. Teachers that aspire me taught me English, literature and biology. My peers - well, they were too busy trying to figure it out for themselves. I had no "heroes," nor "heroines". My education was in the sciences and mathematics. My interests, however, was in literature and history. My passions were varied, my talents never tested to its limits, and my personality - well that's a chameleon on its own terms.
Yet, what I liked doing was listen - through peoples' tales of joy and woe, I would come to learn about the world beyond myself. And, what I found gratifying was the ability to be in the service of others.
Over the years, I have met many people and had the opportunity to listen to them. Their stories only intrigued me more to learn about the human condition. The knowledge that I could be of service to them, through listening and providing empathy, made me happy - perhaps, there is a vocation for me.
Despite the lack of support from loved ones, and the pooh-poohing I experienced when I shared my aspiration, the dream was to become a clinical psychologist. However, what that realistically meant as a profession was lost on me.
It has been 5 years that I have been practicing my trade as a student of clinical psychology. I have worked at 5 different clinics, seen approximately 50 clients from all walks of life, clocked in close to 1000 hours of listening, counseling and even more writing notes.
Through those 5 years, something about myself (actually much about myself) has arisen to my awareness - my emotional resources are limited [As you may already know from previous entries, I have come to accept that I am an emotionally sensitive person]. Clinical work has taken its toll on me. While I succeed day-in and day-out at being emotionally present for people in clinic, their stories do affect me and render me emotionally exhausted. To strike a balance, I practice a lot of self-compassionate care - just allowing myself to be with the emotions and let them pass, and accept the situations/people as they present themselves.
Yet, after 5 years, I have also been given the opportunity to explore using my skills in different arenas. I have learned that there are other outlets for me to be in service of other people and offer of myself. Outlets that may not emotionally exhaust me to the degree counseling has these past 5 years. These include running a charity outfit, heading a student organization directed towards health and wellness, and writing funding paperwork for various non-profit initiatives. There have also been writing opportunities that have come my way that have re-instilled my love for discussing topics of interest.
In addition, I've decided my emotional resources are best reserved for those I care and love deeply. For, if there is one thing I have learned in my 5 years, the most important thing in life is having people you love and who love you. Everything after that is secondary.
So, I am putting my decision(s) here.
1. If I match the second round, I will fulfill my academic obligation towards getting certified.
2. If I do not match the second round, I will determine the next course of life ... (there is word that I might simply take the year off, and re-apply... that is a bridge I will cross when I get there).
Regardless, I know I have people I love and who love me.
We all wonder what we will be (or rather what work we will do) when we are all grown up. We look to our elders, our teachers, our peers for inspiration. We look to "heroes" to aspire us. We scrutinize our education, and cultivate our interests. We take stock of our passions, our talents, and the nature of our personalities. We hope we find something we will like doing - that speaks to us, that speaks about us. We hope we will be something that makes us proud of ourselves.
Growing up, I did not know what I wanted to be. My father is a medical doctor, my mother is a housewife. Many members of my family are in business, finance or engineering. Some are teachers. Teachers that aspire me taught me English, literature and biology. My peers - well, they were too busy trying to figure it out for themselves. I had no "heroes," nor "heroines". My education was in the sciences and mathematics. My interests, however, was in literature and history. My passions were varied, my talents never tested to its limits, and my personality - well that's a chameleon on its own terms.
Yet, what I liked doing was listen - through peoples' tales of joy and woe, I would come to learn about the world beyond myself. And, what I found gratifying was the ability to be in the service of others.
Over the years, I have met many people and had the opportunity to listen to them. Their stories only intrigued me more to learn about the human condition. The knowledge that I could be of service to them, through listening and providing empathy, made me happy - perhaps, there is a vocation for me.
Despite the lack of support from loved ones, and the pooh-poohing I experienced when I shared my aspiration, the dream was to become a clinical psychologist. However, what that realistically meant as a profession was lost on me.
It has been 5 years that I have been practicing my trade as a student of clinical psychology. I have worked at 5 different clinics, seen approximately 50 clients from all walks of life, clocked in close to 1000 hours of listening, counseling and even more writing notes.
Through those 5 years, something about myself (actually much about myself) has arisen to my awareness - my emotional resources are limited [As you may already know from previous entries, I have come to accept that I am an emotionally sensitive person]. Clinical work has taken its toll on me. While I succeed day-in and day-out at being emotionally present for people in clinic, their stories do affect me and render me emotionally exhausted. To strike a balance, I practice a lot of self-compassionate care - just allowing myself to be with the emotions and let them pass, and accept the situations/people as they present themselves.
Yet, after 5 years, I have also been given the opportunity to explore using my skills in different arenas. I have learned that there are other outlets for me to be in service of other people and offer of myself. Outlets that may not emotionally exhaust me to the degree counseling has these past 5 years. These include running a charity outfit, heading a student organization directed towards health and wellness, and writing funding paperwork for various non-profit initiatives. There have also been writing opportunities that have come my way that have re-instilled my love for discussing topics of interest.
In addition, I've decided my emotional resources are best reserved for those I care and love deeply. For, if there is one thing I have learned in my 5 years, the most important thing in life is having people you love and who love you. Everything after that is secondary.
So, I am putting my decision(s) here.
1. If I match the second round, I will fulfill my academic obligation towards getting certified.
2. If I do not match the second round, I will determine the next course of life ... (there is word that I might simply take the year off, and re-apply... that is a bridge I will cross when I get there).
Regardless, I know I have people I love and who love me.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Layers of Vulnerability
I took a moment to re-read a few of my previous entries.
Much of what I write are aspirations. Aspirations that I am working towards, and by no means, have perfected (or will ever perfect in my humble opinion).
Much of what I write I know with practice and time I can achieve, especially in situations where there present little trial or tribulation... Yet, what life is there if not one where we are tested. During these tests, I am pushed just a little bit more - to reflect on that which I aspire.
I aspire to acknowledge that I am human. And human with all my sensitivities... For I am a sensitive human. The double-edged sword of my existence that I am embracing as simply "me."
One thing that I have discovered is that being vulnerable / real is not difficult. However, I am beginning to appreciate that there are many layers to my vulnerability. While most people see the facet of me that is honest and true, they are often protected from the reverberations of emotions that may pass through (albeit temporarily) as an undercurrent. They see someone that has a handle on it. The truth is - below all the layers, there is a core that is stable, calm and (never did I think I could say this) whole. Yet, I am a sum of all these layers. And sometimes, I don't have a handle, and you know - it is okay. It doesn't have to be any less or more than it is, and when the emotions have reverberated through... I am still a sum of all these layers.
My father, who cares deeply for me, grows deeply concerned when he see me suffer. He finds it hard to talk about what causes me the pain he sees me feel. Often, he worries that I need to "just get over it." And, he is right - there is no benefit to making something more than it is. However, for me, simply being in that moment can appear quite distressing. Why appear? The truth is, I know when I am distressed that I am distressed. I know now that I simply need to be with my sadness, and my pain. I need to comfort it, and acknowledge it. When it is painful, I simply seek comfort. To know I can bear that pain on my sleeve, and it's alright, because that is where I am at the moment. Even I know that moment will pass. Perhaps, not today or tomorrow, but soon...
However, my distress ... distresses my father. And day after day, he will call out of fear that I remain distressed, which is not something he would like for me. I am sorry my pain hurts him so - I wish he knew - all I seek from him is comfort that ... "this too will pass but it's okay to feel."
It's okay to be the human that you are.
Much of what I write are aspirations. Aspirations that I am working towards, and by no means, have perfected (or will ever perfect in my humble opinion).
Much of what I write I know with practice and time I can achieve, especially in situations where there present little trial or tribulation... Yet, what life is there if not one where we are tested. During these tests, I am pushed just a little bit more - to reflect on that which I aspire.
I aspire to acknowledge that I am human. And human with all my sensitivities... For I am a sensitive human. The double-edged sword of my existence that I am embracing as simply "me."
One thing that I have discovered is that being vulnerable / real is not difficult. However, I am beginning to appreciate that there are many layers to my vulnerability. While most people see the facet of me that is honest and true, they are often protected from the reverberations of emotions that may pass through (albeit temporarily) as an undercurrent. They see someone that has a handle on it. The truth is - below all the layers, there is a core that is stable, calm and (never did I think I could say this) whole. Yet, I am a sum of all these layers. And sometimes, I don't have a handle, and you know - it is okay. It doesn't have to be any less or more than it is, and when the emotions have reverberated through... I am still a sum of all these layers.
My father, who cares deeply for me, grows deeply concerned when he see me suffer. He finds it hard to talk about what causes me the pain he sees me feel. Often, he worries that I need to "just get over it." And, he is right - there is no benefit to making something more than it is. However, for me, simply being in that moment can appear quite distressing. Why appear? The truth is, I know when I am distressed that I am distressed. I know now that I simply need to be with my sadness, and my pain. I need to comfort it, and acknowledge it. When it is painful, I simply seek comfort. To know I can bear that pain on my sleeve, and it's alright, because that is where I am at the moment. Even I know that moment will pass. Perhaps, not today or tomorrow, but soon...
However, my distress ... distresses my father. And day after day, he will call out of fear that I remain distressed, which is not something he would like for me. I am sorry my pain hurts him so - I wish he knew - all I seek from him is comfort that ... "this too will pass but it's okay to feel."
It's okay to be the human that you are.
In the Midst...
of a sad song, are words that ring so true...
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
Oh, I need this
K.
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
Oh, I need this
K.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Marriage...
Something I stumbled across...
"Marry someone you can see yourself with for a long time. [..] Don't ever expect marriage to by 50/50. The ratio fluctuates from day to day, sometimes in your favor and sometimes not. Don't keep track. Don't share your private business with family, friends, or your church community. It is disrespectful to your spouse and your marriage. I have been married a LONG time (20+ years) and we do argue. But we are best friends and love each other more today than the day we got married. Strive to be a good role model for your children, if you have them. It will keep you honest."
"Marry someone you can see yourself with for a long time. [..] Don't ever expect marriage to by 50/50. The ratio fluctuates from day to day, sometimes in your favor and sometimes not. Don't keep track. Don't share your private business with family, friends, or your church community. It is disrespectful to your spouse and your marriage. I have been married a LONG time (20+ years) and we do argue. But we are best friends and love each other more today than the day we got married. Strive to be a good role model for your children, if you have them. It will keep you honest."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Open, Honest & True
Difficult moments in life present themselves with the opportunity to step back and appreciate the things that make life all worthwhile:-
The first truth is that I am by nature a person who needs to love and be loved. I need to surround myself with those people I hold dear. I realize I gain strength from being able to be present for the ones I love, and am slowly learning to let them be there to love me. I miss my family and my loved ones. My recent trip home made me realize how loved I am.
The second truth is that being true to myself and not compromising does not guarantee that I will be appreciated for who I am (or rather receive the fruits reflecting such appreciation). I did not match to an internship program. Truth be told - I was not upset. I took this to imply only one thing - neither of those sites would be the appropriate internship site for me. Furthermore, I had concluded that not matching at either of these programs would mean that I would return home and be in the company of my loved ones. Life and its career path for me simply required adjustment of expectations - when taken in perspective of what is truly important in life is not a difficult task at all.
The third truth is that there always many paths in life, and one has to be very clear when making decisions regarding the path she chooses to take. For it is a choice. I was left to decide whether to accept that I will return simply on that truth, or take another gamble by applying to internship sites that announced vacant positions. Still, it was not certain that I would obtain a position at one of these sites. Discussions with loved ones, who only had my best interests on their minds, convinced me that all gambles are worthwhile if only to avoid the difficulties that would be certain for not taking them. Specifically, the gamble of doing the internship to receive APA certification. APA certification implies that I am a graduate of the clinical program and immediately establishes worldwide recognition for the clinical training I have received the previous 5 years.
The fourth truth, and perhaps the hardest truth, is the only way to be certain is to accept uncertainty. So often, I have lived in fear. Uncertain of situation as they present themselves, I fear my actions would make bad a good situation, and make worse a bad situation. I am only beginning to appreciate that there is no such thing as certainty - only the illusion of it. I am also beginning to realize that fear only removes me of my conviction. I am not certain of my future - I can only experience the present for what it is in that moment. I am reminding myself to live one day at a time, and not succumb to the fear that arises - simply to face it and move on.
To be open, honest and true - I know what it is today that I want for myself. It is a simple life that allows me to be with those I love, and do the work that brings meaning both myself and others. While the first clause is simple to meet, the second remain an open question for there are many vocations that exist that can fulfill such criteria. It includes teaching, social work, counseling, administrative work in a non-profit organization... etc.
futher commentary possible... stay tuned.
- love from those near and dear
- friendships that step up and stand behind you
- words of wisdom and insight from the ones your respect and hold in esteem
- a sense of self that is unshaken at its very foundation
The first truth is that I am by nature a person who needs to love and be loved. I need to surround myself with those people I hold dear. I realize I gain strength from being able to be present for the ones I love, and am slowly learning to let them be there to love me. I miss my family and my loved ones. My recent trip home made me realize how loved I am.
The second truth is that being true to myself and not compromising does not guarantee that I will be appreciated for who I am (or rather receive the fruits reflecting such appreciation). I did not match to an internship program. Truth be told - I was not upset. I took this to imply only one thing - neither of those sites would be the appropriate internship site for me. Furthermore, I had concluded that not matching at either of these programs would mean that I would return home and be in the company of my loved ones. Life and its career path for me simply required adjustment of expectations - when taken in perspective of what is truly important in life is not a difficult task at all.
The third truth is that there always many paths in life, and one has to be very clear when making decisions regarding the path she chooses to take. For it is a choice. I was left to decide whether to accept that I will return simply on that truth, or take another gamble by applying to internship sites that announced vacant positions. Still, it was not certain that I would obtain a position at one of these sites. Discussions with loved ones, who only had my best interests on their minds, convinced me that all gambles are worthwhile if only to avoid the difficulties that would be certain for not taking them. Specifically, the gamble of doing the internship to receive APA certification. APA certification implies that I am a graduate of the clinical program and immediately establishes worldwide recognition for the clinical training I have received the previous 5 years.
The fourth truth, and perhaps the hardest truth, is the only way to be certain is to accept uncertainty. So often, I have lived in fear. Uncertain of situation as they present themselves, I fear my actions would make bad a good situation, and make worse a bad situation. I am only beginning to appreciate that there is no such thing as certainty - only the illusion of it. I am also beginning to realize that fear only removes me of my conviction. I am not certain of my future - I can only experience the present for what it is in that moment. I am reminding myself to live one day at a time, and not succumb to the fear that arises - simply to face it and move on.
To be open, honest and true - I know what it is today that I want for myself. It is a simple life that allows me to be with those I love, and do the work that brings meaning both myself and others. While the first clause is simple to meet, the second remain an open question for there are many vocations that exist that can fulfill such criteria. It includes teaching, social work, counseling, administrative work in a non-profit organization... etc.
futher commentary possible... stay tuned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)