Decision.

I'm putting my decision here.

We all wonder what we will be (or rather what work we will do) when we are all grown up. We look to our elders, our teachers, our peers for inspiration. We look to "heroes" to aspire us. We scrutinize our education, and cultivate our interests. We take stock of our passions, our talents, and the nature of our personalities. We hope we find something we will like doing - that speaks to us, that speaks about us. We hope we will be something that makes us proud of ourselves.

Growing up, I did not know what I wanted to be. My father is a medical doctor, my mother is a housewife. Many members of my family are in business, finance or engineering. Some are teachers. Teachers that aspire me taught me English, literature and biology. My peers - well, they were too busy trying to figure it out for themselves. I had no "heroes," nor "heroines". My education was in the sciences and mathematics. My interests, however, was in literature and history. My passions were varied, my talents never tested to its limits, and my personality - well that's a chameleon on its own terms.

Yet, what I liked doing was listen - through peoples' tales of joy and woe, I would come to learn about the world beyond myself. And, what I found gratifying was the ability to be in the service of others.

Over the years, I have met many people and had the opportunity to listen to them. Their stories only intrigued me more to learn about the human condition. The knowledge that I could be of service to them, through listening and providing empathy, made me happy - perhaps, there is a vocation for me.

Despite the lack of support from loved ones, and the pooh-poohing I experienced when I shared my aspiration, the dream was to become a clinical psychologist. However, what that realistically meant as a profession was lost on me.

It has been 5 years that I have been practicing my trade as a student of clinical psychology. I have worked at 5 different clinics, seen approximately 50 clients from all walks of life, clocked in close to 1000 hours of listening, counseling and even more writing notes.

Through those 5 years, something about myself (actually much about myself) has arisen to my awareness - my emotional resources are limited [As you may already know from previous entries, I have come to accept that I am an emotionally sensitive person]. Clinical work has taken its toll on me. While I succeed day-in and day-out at being emotionally present for people in clinic, their stories do affect me and render me emotionally exhausted. To strike a balance, I practice a lot of self-compassionate care - just allowing myself to be with the emotions and let them pass, and accept the situations/people as they present themselves.

Yet, after 5 years, I have also been given the opportunity to explore using my skills in different arenas. I have learned that there are other outlets for me to be in service of other people and offer of myself. Outlets that may not emotionally exhaust me to the degree counseling has these past 5 years. These include running a charity outfit, heading a student organization directed towards health and wellness, and writing funding paperwork for various non-profit initiatives. There have also been writing opportunities that have come my way that have re-instilled my love for discussing topics of interest.

In addition, I've decided my emotional resources are best reserved for those I care and love deeply. For, if there is one thing I have learned in my 5 years, the most important thing in life is having people you love and who love you. Everything after that is secondary.

So, I am putting my decision(s) here.

1. If I match the second round, I will fulfill my academic obligation towards getting certified.
2. If I do not match the second round, I will determine the next course of life ... (there is word that I might simply take the year off, and re-apply... that is a bridge I will cross when I get there).

Regardless, I know I have people I love and who love me.