Being "Real"

"At least I don't care what these god damn mindless people think of me" - Dutch Courage, The Spill Canvas -

Single. Again.
Yet, this time it is different. I learned a few things this time around - a few things that I am proud to have learned or discovered.

1. I am a real person. I genuinely am interested in and care for other people, and that's where most of my troubles starts actually - I do it at the expense of caring for myself (at times). I am not interested in what they may think of me, nor do I do it so that will "like" me. I just want to be there for being there - simply because I am happy to be there for someone else. Yes, it may be because I know the pain of not knowing someone be there for me. Yet, knowing that pain has provided me with an insight that others suffer too; if I am capable of providing them with any form of assistance in alleviating their own suffering, then I would like to know that I am able to do it.
2. I am a real person. I have come to learn that being real for myself does not mean I have to make it necessarily known to the next person. I simply have to be myself and allow the other person time to come and see it for themselves. It is not my intention to make people perceive me one way or another. It's more important for me to just be comfortable with myself and accept that I have no control over the perceptions of the other. As long as I am happy with my choices and the results of the decisions I make, it does not matter necessarily what another person thinks about them. This is especially true when that person's opinion does not sit well with me. What needs to sit well for me? I need to know that my thoughts and actions are in synchrony without detriment to another individual's feelings, etc.
3. I am a real person. I have qualities that can be seen as either strengths or weaknesses. As my friend, ES, put it eloquently, "Any quality of an individual can be seen as one side of a coin - a strength or a weakness." One of my strengths (or weakness - you, the reader, can judge as you will) is my tolerance and my patience when it comes to expressing strong, negative emotion. I use to be a rather emotionally labile and reactive person, and it has taken me a great deal of time and energy to become a more calm and level-headed person. I take great pride in my ability to sit with negative emotions, allowing them to pass and communicating them in a more clear, direct manner without a need to hurt the other person's feelings.

***

To add... there are certain things I need to review about myself and ask how better to handle in the future.

How do I better communicate my irritation, hurt, and anger without eliciting those emotions necessarily from the other person? I recognize that in this situation I may not have necessarily communicated it because I saw no need for reacting as I realize the impetus for the person's actions. Yet, I am aware that intimacy calls for me being able to admit when someone is hurting me even if it is truth(s) that might hurt the other person.

I need to appreciate that taking space and requesting for space does NOT mean that I am incapable of intimacy or that I am "disappearing" from the relationship. It simply means that I am entitled to allow myself to heal from my experience of negative emotions without allowing myself to hurt the other person - someone whom I care for enough not to want to continue the cycle of hurt.

[perhaps more to come... who knows *shrugs*]

Spare Us the Om
A new person joined my yoga class and has a habit of yelling her “Om!” She ignores the soft beginning and jumps in with a deafening wail, which she continues long after the rest of us are finished. Any suggestions?
Leslie Dumont, Manhattan
Smells like a hit: “Downward Dog” starring Ethel Merman!
A Zen yogi would find a way to accept the deafening chant as a lesson in tolerance — which is probably why you came to me instead. So, if the Human Foghorn is really bothering you, ask your yoga teacher to intervene. Or take a deep breath as you sit cross-legged on your mat and repeat after me: “May this be the worst problem I have today.”

Anselm's Proof

The Self-Thinking Thought

"Modern arguments and evangelists and New Atheists have duped us into thinking that the interesting question is whether God exists; no, what mattered for Anselm was how we think about God and about one another."

GOD, in and of itself, is an idea. An idea that dictates to us several other ideas. More specifically, it communicates to us how we should live our day-to-day existence.

[What is more interesting to me is that the author of this article runs a website "Killing the Buddha" that has in its manifesto an explanation for the name of the website:

The idea of “killing the Buddha” comes from a famous Zen line, the context of which is easy to imagine: After years on his cushion, a monk has what he believes is a breakthrough: a glimpse of nirvana, the Buddhamind, the big pay-off. Reporting the experience to his master, however, he is informed that what has happened is par for the course, nothing special, maybe even damaging to his pursuit. And then the master gives the student dismaying advice: If you meet the Buddha, he says, kill him.
Why kill the Buddha? Because the Buddha you meet is not the true Buddha, but an expression of your longing. If this Buddha is not killed he will only stand in your way.
Why Killing the Buddha? For our purposes, killing the Buddha is a metaphor for moving past the complacency of belief, for struggling honestly with the idea of God. As people who take faith seriously, we are endlessly amazed and enraged that religious discourse has become so bloodless, parochial and boring. Any God worth the name is none of these things. Yet when people talk about God they are talking mainly about the Buddha they meet. For fear of seeming intolerant or uncertain, or just for lack of thinking, they talk about a God too small to be God. ]

Several months ago, I was engaged in a discussion about spirituality and beliefs - how we are neurologically pre-disposed to be spiritually minded; if not for anything but that we can co-exist as a society. The end result of the discussion was my saying that "GOD, therefore, must be a idea that we created to understand this neural phenomenon that drives us to be spiritual."

Romantic Attachment Style

Out of curiousity, I re-did an old (validated) quiz on romantic attachment style:

[post dated October 06, 2008]

Fearful-avoidant attachment
People with a fearful style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others." People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with negative views about themselves and their partners. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their partners, and they don't trust the intentions of their partners. Similarly to the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from partners and frequently suppress and hide their feelings.

TODAY... I met the following criteria:

Secure Attachment Profile
Based upon your quiz answers, you appear to have a secure attachment style. People with secure attachments tend to feel comfortable with themselves and their relationships. Securely attached individuals tend to have happier, long-lasting relationships. You feel comfotable sharing your feelings with your partner and are able to turn to your partner for support.


You have described yourself as securely attached. This means that you are likely to have happier relationships and be better able to sustain commitments than people who have an insecure attachment style.You are likely to have more positive emotional experiences and to be more happy and outgoing in interpersonal relationships. You will be more likely to express what you really feel. You are more likely to be able to depend on others when it is appropriate, and yet able to function autonomously in your own sphere when that is appropriate. You are also more likely to raise children who themselves will have a secure attachment style.

***

Now, if I can just take it in and demonstrate to myself that it is possible for me to have a relationship as a securely attached individual.

"At this stage of your development in romantic relationships, you tend to be pretty evenly balanced in your attachment style. You are not significantly more anxious about them, nor significantly avoiding intimacy or emotional closeness in relationships. This is a healthy balance, but it also may mean that it is more difficult for you to find someone else who has achieved this same healthy balance! Most people tend to either have greater anxiety or greater avoidance in relationships. You'd probably be most comfortable and at ease in a relationship where your partner is also fairly balanced in their romantic attachment approach. So congratulate yourself!! You're a part of a well-balanced breed when it comes to your romantic attachment style. "

[Postscript: Thought this was an interesting statement about relationships... don't know if this is the appropriate blogpost for it...

Arendt’s and Heidegger’s love was a mirror. Their own intellectual genius reflected back at them. They could each have been Narcissus and the lake water respectively. But what is striking is that love transcended political unrest and religious and ethnic differences. They loved each other as they would love themselves. Considering the dark moments of twentieth century European history, this does not appear to be a profane love but rather a love that exceeds mere tolerance and reaches the sacred heights. Their letters reflect a long history of adoration. ]

Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear

My friend ES shared this New York Times article with me:

Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear

Upon reading the article, I found strength. Reviewing some of the readers' comments that the editors' selected to share with others, I found some that only bolstered the strength:

Absolutely brilliant. I can't help thinking of how many marriages fail because we fail to recognize the pain in our partners, take things on our shoulders because of our own misguided archetecture, make our own egos punish us as a result of our own inflexibility. I've heard this story before, from another woman whose's husband went similiarly nuts after a trauma. How she maintained her balance, and it wasn't easy, was a lesson to those that knew the couple and he eventually came back, grateful to have a son and a wife who were still there. There are lots of ways to commit suicide, most just leave a shell rather than a grave. Kudos to Laura for seeing so well into her husband's soul. A lot of us men reach his point in life and are not so lucky as he to have a woman like her. I've been lucky, and this article has helped me to see just how lucky I have been. -Pomeister-

This is a fabulous piece. I wonder how many marriages could have been saved if the wife was (1) wise enough to recognized that it wasn't about her (2) strong enough to stand her ground (3) patient enough to rise above his deliberate attempts to hurt and push her away.
None of these things are easy. It usually takes a long time and the perspective of distance to be that objective about someone you love and would hate to lose. We are usually most vulnerable to those we love, and they know better than anyone else what will hurt us the most. And when we are not the problem, abusing us does not resolve anything for them, it usually makes them feel worse. Bravo to you for giving him 'distance' and being straight up about it. This was truly amazing grace. -Right and Relevant-

I too have been feeling scared and stuck (and i'm only 26!) and thinking if only I could run away to another country where no one knows me and build a life from scratch, but this time refuse to compromise and fight hard for what I want. However, little by little I am realizing that no matter where I am and with whom, if I can not learn to be happy then I never will be. The grass can always be greener on some other side. There could always be a better spouse out there, or a better job and salary, or a better apartment. Eventually, we must be happy with our achievements and realize how many people have it much worse.-n.h.-

[Comments at a later time/date]

A Lila trying to be A Rita

I'm into the show Dexter. Currently, I am watching season 2.
The writing is brilliant. The character development - nothing short of impressive.
Lila - Sexy, dark, enigmatic, dangerous... knows what she wants and how to get it
Rita - Strong, straightforward, honest, patient... a human who simply tries her best

And I leave this note short with a rendition of Chopin's Nocturne Opus 9, No. 2.
(performed by none another than Rachmaninov/ff)

Fortune Cookies (without the calories!)

Fortune Cookies

Work with your destiny. Stop trying to outrun it.

I guess this fortune cookie dictates my life at the moment. I have spent the last 2 days and will spend most of today working on a project (one of four) geared towards my dissertation. However, I have made up my mind. This is my destiny - to get a Ph.D. - and then figure out what that means for me. No amount of grumbling, whining, or thinking thoughts that run contrary to this idea is going to help me. It's simply a matter of sitting myself down on this hard library chair, running data simulations and writing up my interpretations that is going to get me out of here. That, or choosing to take myself out of a program - one that I have struggle to keep myself in the past four years.

The City Paper

Last night, as I was eating a bowl of ramen by myself with only the City Paper to keep me company, I came across the "I Love You, I Hate You" column. It is a section of the newspaper where people can send their thoughts anonymously, and allow you the reader for one moment to imagine the text written was personally for you. At least, I wanted the text below to be addressed to me (and I wish I could address it to the one person who makes me happy)...

"Today your horoscope said "You're one of a kind. You think you can't possibly be that unique, but you are. You're seeing the world differently than anyone else is seeing it". And it's true. You are one of a kind. For that, and so many reasons more, I love you. I look up to you. You are perhaps the most clever person I have ever met and the conversation is never dry. Try not to worry so much because you are wonderful. You look wonderful. You smell wonderful, except for your breath sometimes, but I will still kiss you anyway stinker. Your life is in your own hands so don't worry about being in control of it because you are. The decisions you make will lead you to where you belong and I highly doubt that will be a boring or unfulfilling place. I can't wait for our awesome underwater pool party wedding! Love you always and forever."

Quality versus Quantity

Today marked a day of eavesdropping into conversations to which I had no intention of being privy - though, I must admit they were entertaining...

The first conversation was between two jocks debating the age-old question of quality versus quantity with regards to S.E.X.
Apparently, one of the jocks (jock Quant) was experiencing a "recession" in his sexual encounters having [according to him, without exaggeration] had 2 sexual encounters a day to make approximately 15 in a week with his (one-time?) girlfriend. The second jock (jock Qual) was bemused by this number, finding it incredulous, and asked regarding the nature of the numerous encounters Quant experienced - he was obviously suggesting that while he, Qual, had fewer sexual encounters, they were a quality experience. [Author's note: At this point, I was feeling a headache coming on...] Quant then remarked that he cannot wait to get married because he has heard that the quality of the sexual encounter increases with marriage, but he wonders if he will have the same quantity to which he has grown accustomed to (if you have not been following reader, it is 15 times in a week). Qual stated the obvious question, "You want to get married for the quality, but are you telling me you would consider cheating on your wife to reap the quantity?" [Author's note: The throbbing was beginning to intensify...] At this point in their conversation, we parted ways, and I could not help but to break into laughter.

Meditation, NY Times version

An article in today's (August 20, 2009) New York Times about a contributor's personal experience with meditation:

Self, Meditating

Suicide [...and all the emotions that come with it]

Suicide, or the taking of one's life, is a complicated issue for me.

On the one hand, one has to accept that a person's life is his/her own to do as he/she desires - even if this means to end it.

On the other hand, one has to ask what is the basis (reason) for this action.
Some may state that an action that results in increased suffering (of oneself and others) is
wrong;
though if the action results in decreased suffering (of oneself and others), it can be right.

Suicide, as another author [read this first] put it eloquently, is a reaction of an individual who suffers from a pain that he/she is no longer able to endure usually as a result of poor/limited coping skills.
There are two suggestions by this author: (1) reduce the pain and/or (2) expand one's repertoire of skills for coping with pain.

Once a rather emotionally labile person myself, I believe I grasp an understanding of unbearable pain. Pain so vivid you feel it oozing from your very pores - that you would do anything to make it stop. And, for a moment, I would entertain the idea that death was the only way it would end. However, I always felt I should give life one more chance. Each time, it was like looking life in the eye and saying, "one more... just one more."

Then, I lost a friend to suicide. (Funny how I make it sound like suicide was the cause of her death, and not that she chose to die.) That pain was unimaginable. I was consumed with guilt (anger directed towards myself) - she would come to me and share her woe, but how could I not have foreseen this? Eventually, I have come to terms with her death and accepted this reality. I have also come to accept that I did all that I was able to do given the circumstances. Yet, every time I am reminded of that moment in time, there is an ache - an overall sensation throughout my body rifled with dull pain.

What's the point of this post...? There is none.

Dutch Courage & Flippantness

[Note: I intended to keep this private, but the reason for that decision is no longer necessary]

"The phrase Dutch courage is a slang term for courage gained from intoxication by alcohol. It is synonymous with liquid courage."

Flippant (adjective) - treating serious matters with inappropriate light-heartedness or lack of respect

K Courage = 2 beers, 4 tequila shots, and an attitude that could care any less (flippant).

A conversation with JF revealed to me an aspect of my nature I never would think was a disadvantageous quality; yet, here I am writing to you (the reader), that selflessness can indeed be a disadvantage. And, JF's strategy was that I could handle it being an adult or a dick. Guess which option I chose.

****

The irony - the irony is that to be a dick, I had to resort to becoming a person I thought I had left in my past. A reactionary of sorts (shrugs) some might say. Yet, perhaps I should take heart that to return to that persona I needed an amount of alcohol I had not consumed in a long time. And, I was angry and flippant.

What was I angry about exactly? A person's behavior, whereby intimacy is achieved / understood through a revelation of one's emotions as elicited by remarks and comments that at times had a biting effect (of course, the person is just kidding). For example, person A says "xyz" and expects person B to respond with an "F U" - does this make any sense? Is it really necessary for bonding?

A point aside, I can understand the need for a person to see that an individual can "feel" and is being "real" - but what if I am not interested in putting the other person down, or coming up with something witty, funny, insulting as a throw-back. What if I simply see the situation as a meaningless attempt to goad at me, and do not wish to participate - does it, therefore, mean I do not wish to relate to this person or be real?

Perhaps, I've been there, done that & honestly am simply tired of it.

Identity (& Rights)

"I believe in human rights for everyone, and none of us is qualified to judge each other and that none of us should therefore have that authority."

"I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being, first and foremost, and as such I'm for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole."


"I am not a racist. I am against every form of racism and segregation, every form of discrimination. I believe in human beings, and that all human beings should be respected as such, regardless of their color."

-Malcolm X, http://www.malcolm-x.org/quotes.htm -

Last night, I was having a conversation (a random one as it usually is with TL) and Malcolm X was mentioned. TL stated that Malcolm X had said something to the effect of, "I am not black, I am not whatever you make me out to be..." This definitely got my gears turning [The Contemplative Psyche: The Box [A Rant]] - this statement does not stand for race alone. This statement stands for so many other aspects of one's own identity.

When asked how he considered himself (militant, violent, black, etc.), Malcolm X's reply was, "I consider myself Malcolm!" How true a statement that is!

Why should I limit myself to seeing me the way others choose to see me - for all I know, their view is limited in its own way. People become so blind by what they believe they want or choose to see that they forget to consider the person as a whole - and may miss out on the experience that is the person (good and bad; perhaps even neutral).

Similarly, why should I limit myself to seeing others in a particular way. TL once told me that he had one thing especially to offer with regards to knowledge, and that it hurt him when I did not approach him directly for his assistance on that subject matter. I may not know how he felt necessarily when I told him that he was wrong to think that's all I saw he had to offer and that there was much more to him that I appreciate (NOTE: this is a very formal delivery for what I essentially said), but that is the truth - I believe there is no limit to an individual's identity and that the moment I stop to label the person one way or another, that is the moment I stop appreciating the total sum of the individual.

What about rights ... ? 

As each individual human being, we are entitled to the rights that are permitted to every other individual human being. There should not be a discrimination based on race, color, gender, sexuality, age, etc. Yet, I have to always remember (as cheesy as this sounds), with rights come responsibility. And it is my responsibility to acknowledge and appreciate the rights afforded me, as well as to make it the rights of others who like me are fellow human beings.

The 3rd Wheel [An Observation]

What does it mean to be the 3rd Wheel? 

Sitting here in my favorite cafe, I cannot help but notice that one table over are two gentlemen having a conversation and next to one of them is a women; she looks lost. She sits there for awhile looking around the cafe, no doubt, thinking of how to entertain herself as her company engages in an involved conversation with the man seated across from him. Eventually, she pulls out a reporter's notebook and a pencil; yet, she still searches for the words to put in them. Constantly looking around, she seeks inspiration. Lost, she resorts to doodling. Then a moment's pause, she begins to write as she looks around the cafe. I wonder, is she doing as I - writing about the people and scene surrounding her. A quiet commentary. 

What does it mean to be the 3rd Wheel? 

It almost feels like your presence is unnecessary, even unwanted. Yet, one must wonder, if your presence was not welcomed - why were you asked to accompany in the first place. Then again, you are left with entertaining yourself. And I know, in my experience, I do not want to necessarily be left with my thoughts meandering in my empty head. So, I make friends; I turn around and talk to other "lonely" individuals. I walk around and engage myself in the surroundings. If there is music playing, I absorb myself into the melody and hum along to the lyrics. 

I think being the 3rd Wheel simply means an opportunity to engage oneself with someone/something other than the two individuals with whom one is "seated". 

Rain Showers

DI BALIK CERMIN MIMPI

Di balik cermin mimpi

Behind the dream mirror
Aku melihat engkau

I see you
Di dalam engkau

In you
Aku melihat aku

I see I (I see me)
Ternyata kita adalah sama

In fact we are the same
Di arena mimpi yang penuh bermakna

In the arena of a meaningful dream

Bila bulan bersatu dengan mentari

When the moon becomes one with the sun
Bayang-bayang ku hilang

My shadows are lost
Di selebungi kerdip nurani

Blanketed in the world
Mencurah kasih, kasih murni

Pouring love, pure love
Mencurah kasih
Pouring love

Di balik cermin, cermin mimpi

Behind the mirror, dream mirror
Adalah realiti yang tidak kita sedari

There is a reality of which we are not yet aware
Hanya keyakinan dapat merestui

Only confidence can bless

Hakikat cinta yang sejati

The fact that love is pure
Hakikat cinta yang sejati
The fact that love is pure

Dengan tersingkapnya tabir siang

The revelation of the day's veil
Wajah kita jelas terbayang
Our faces clearly seen

Dan terpecah cermin mimpi

And breaks the dream mirror 

Menjadi sinar pelangi
Become the rays of a rainbow

Pelangi

Rainbow

The Box [A Rant]

[Why is it when I am asked a question about preferences, it ultimately becomes about genres? Do you like classic rock or post rock? Do you like suspense or gore? Do you like adventure or romance? Are you logic-driven or gut-driven (okay, I concede that this question is not about genres... but I hope you follow where I am going with this)?]


The other night (08/04/09), a friend JF told me that I am "the enigma" among our colleagues. WHY - I had to ask. The answer was simple: I am difficult to categorize. I cannot be put into a box. There is no little label to attach to me. I laughed; my curiosity only more piqued. [This echoed another experience I had with an individual who was attempting to date me [BD] - He happened to mention that I was always surprising him; he told me that once he had put me in one box, I would reveal something about myself that excluded me from being in that box. Note to people trying to date - Do NOT reveal to your "date" that you are trying to categorize them as it is insulting, imho.]



What is the need for one person to put another into some frame of reference? Does it make it easier for that individual to interact with the other? Are we not simply limiting our potential to relate to that person by applying some constraints to their identity, only to later be surprised should they fail to meet the requirements we put onto them?


I, personally, feel that I am constantly evolving as an individual. I always keep myself open to new experiences, and will never settle to limit myself. Of course, there is a core identity around which these new experience circumnavigate. Over time, at my discretion, I may incorporate these new experiences into my core identity. For example, I am a fan of many genres of music (none of which I will attest to being more a fan over the other), and yet I constantly find myself introduced to compositions/songs/bands from this day and before that impress. Another example was when I was asked if I liked Indian Pale Ales; my response was simply, "not currently, but it's really a matter of finding the one IPA that I will appreciate." The response was accepted with laughter, and this delighted me. Finally, I can be simply taken for just being me - no box necessary. I am K!

Intimacy - Yet "On My Own"

The Contemplative Psyche: Angst & Relationships

[Post previously dated 07/27/08]

A discovery on the part of my friend brought upon this revelation:

People do not fear intimacy itself. They fear the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

And I learned that there are 2 forms of fear:
(1) the fear of rejection - of losing the other person
(2) the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself

The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship.

The truth is, I have both fears. Yet, it was when I am standing across the other person and in seeing their fear(s) - both that of rejection and engulfment - that I am beginning to realize the void in me.

To fill that void, thus, it begins with Self-compassion.

Self-compassion involves three components.

• self-kindness - being kind and understanding toward oneself rather than self-critical
  
• common humanity - viewing one’s negative experiences as a normal part of the human condition
  
• mindful acceptance - having mindful equanimity rather than over-identifying with painful thoughts and feelings
  

Taking Each Day As It Comes

This new practice of mine to take each day as it comes, not to over-think things, and to accept each and every moment for what it is... IS WONDERFUL. 

Each day has had its moment. And some days had more than others. 

For example, today I had the company of a playful greyhound who approached me on its morning walk. 

Yet, what about those moments that are not as "wonderful" to have to experience? I find I immediately ask myself to acknowledge the moment and assess what makes it not wonderful (i.e. uncomfortable, difficult, painful, anxiety-provoking). Once aware of the source of my discomfort, I address it. If it is myself being unreasonable (e.g., over-thinking), I nudge myself to stop. If it the actions of another that makes me feel so, I ask myself if I should address it to the attention of the person responsible - taking note of who this individual happens to be. On the other hand, it might require that I nudge myself to accept a more realistic assessment of the situation (and the person) rather then conclude using the one provided to me by my fears/anxieties. And, should it be something outside of my control, I nudge myself to shrug it off. Nudges... are important because this is after all starting as a practice, and it takes time before a practice becomes second nature. 

Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now

A professor of mine (RDR) A professor of mine (RDR) mentioned this singer, and given my trust in my professor's taste in music, I sought out song after song. Then, I found this song. I cannot say whether it is the melody or the lyrics that got to me, but the song got to me. , but the song got to me.

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

On Getting Upset

Last evening, I was introduced to this stanza (pardon me if my reproduction does not do justice)

If you can fix it,

  why be upset?

If you can't fix it,

  what's the point of being upset?

K.

Sacks on Self

"But a mind is not just a collection of talents. One cannot maintain a purely composite or modular view of the mind, as many neurologists and psychologists now do. This removes that general quality of mind -- call it reach or range or size or spaciousness -- that is always instantly recognizable in normal people. It is a capacity that seems to be supramodal, and that shines through whatever particular talents there are. This is what we mean when we say that someone has "a fine mind." A modular view of the mind, no less importantly, also removes the personal center, the self, the "I." Normally there is a cohering and unifying power...that integrates all the separate faculties of mind, integrates them, too, with our experiences and emotions, so that they take on a uniquely personal cast. It is this global or integrating power that allows us to generalize and reflect, to develop subjectivity and a self-conscious self."
- Oliver Sacks, An Anthropologist on Mars, NY 1995 -

Sarcasm

Sarcasm is a form of humor that uses sharp, cutting remarks or language intended to mock, wound, or subject to contempt or ridicule. ["Sarcasm usually requires a quick wit, and the ability to extract the minutest points of weakness in a conversation. So it is quite unlikely that it is the lowest form of humor as some would like to call it. " -http://www.sarcasmsociety.com -]

A dialogue with several friends and family members on the use of sarcasm or the "put-down" revealed that sarcasm in the hands of the right person, without ill-intent, and when directed at a person who can receive the jest is by all means an appropriate way of interaction between two people. More so, there are individuals who believe such repartee or verbal sparring only serves to strengthen the bond between said two people, and is not just a demonstration of one individual's (intellectual?) ability over the other. Yet, the use of sarcasm ("put-down"), as with all humor, requires the appropriate cues, knowledge, timing, and moderation in use. Plus, it helps to know your audience. 

Having grown up in a household known for its use of sarcasm, I came to believe that it was a perfectly appropriate way to connect with others outside my household. Very quickly I learned that I was wrong to hold on this belief. As my wit sharpened and my delivery became faster, even members of my household were quick to stop me or not to let me begin. Even my father began to chastise me with the line "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." Stepping back, I would see how my words could have such a cutting effect, and I would be confused (did they not know my words were without ill-intent?). Very slowly, I had to learn to bite my tongue when a sarcastic turn of phrase popped in my mind; more often than not, I realized I was satisfied with simply pretending I did not "get" the sarcasm. Yet, here I am now - investigating the rules of sarcasm - wondering should I engage in this practice for the purpose of bonding.

Comments I enjoyed from reading the article I cite above: 

The problem with the written word is that with no verbal clues it can sometimes be difficult to tell whether a comment is sincere or sarcastic. Great article, by the way.
Adam, Leicester, UK

People are so sarcastic these days that if someone's not on the ball, they can often get the wrong end of the stick. 
Dan, Bristol

My ex used to think he was the greatest at sarcasm. Unfortunately, most of the time he was just actually being rude to me and couldn't understand why constant, never-ending sarcasm actually felt like abuse a lot of the time. That's why he's my ex.
K, London, UK

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