[Post previously dated 07/27/08]
A discovery on the part of my friend brought upon this revelation:
People do not fear intimacy itself. They fear the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.
And I learned that there are 2 forms of fear:
(1) the fear of rejection - of losing the other person
(2) the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself
The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.
When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally.
When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship.
The truth is, I have both fears. Yet, it was when I am standing across the other person and in seeing their fear(s) - both that of rejection and engulfment - that I am beginning to realize the void in me.
To fill that void, thus, it begins with Self-compassion.
Self-compassion involves three components.
People do not fear intimacy itself. They fear the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.
And I learned that there are 2 forms of fear:
(1) the fear of rejection - of losing the other person
(2) the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself
The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.
When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally.
When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship.
The truth is, I have both fears. Yet, it was when I am standing across the other person and in seeing their fear(s) - both that of rejection and engulfment - that I am beginning to realize the void in me.
To fill that void, thus, it begins with Self-compassion.
Self-compassion involves three components.
- self-kindness - being kind and understanding toward oneself rather than self-critical
- common humanity - viewing one’s negative experiences as a normal part of the human condition
- mindful acceptance - having mindful equanimity rather than over-identifying with painful thoughts and feelings
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