Done Hiding

Anchor

Who is your anchor?

Facing ...

Growing, growing, and growing.
Painful, painful, and painful.

I am beginning to recognize how ... truly truly truly ignorant I am.
Things are happening all around me, and I feel such a bystander.
Do I ever really take a stand on anything?

We talked about neutrality. We talked about silence.
How important it is, yet how destructive it can be.
Sin by omission as oppose to commission.

"Take a stand!" - That's the message I have been hearing today.

I reach out - I leap (eyes closed)

Where am I?

Enough of the abstract... now to the concrete.

I am learning today, of all days, to speak - make my voice heard. Air my grievance. Take a side. Make a choice. No more pussy-footing. What is I really want?

I want to look into the mirror and see what everyone sees.

I shine.

I am this funny, creative, capable individual who makes the best effort to be there for others (sometimes, at the expense of meeting my own needs).

I have my flaws, true, who doesn't - but enough of flaws... for I have the fantastic as well.

People stop talking, turn around and take a moment to give me my space. Anyone will say, I have presence. I come across as self-assured who talks knowledgeably about topics at hand even those that I admit I am not the most familiar. Yet, people welcome my thoughts, my opinions - that I always offer something worthwhile. I am worthwhile.

Yes, this post is a self-aggrandizing one, BUT come on, if I don't do it, WHO will?

And here I stand, pussy-footing around, wanting your attention. Your attention means I'm worthwhile. That is NOT true. It is because I am worthwhile that you want to give me your attention.

For I shine.

What do I LOVE to do?

A colleague of mine posted on her facebook wall: Instead of asking, "What do you want to be?" Ask, "What do you LOVE to do?"

My answer to that would be :-
I LOVE to meet and engage with people, communicate in a manner that enables me to learn about them and, perhaps, connect with them in a real meaningful way. I want that interaction to be the foundation from which I am inspired to ideas that will help them and others like them to be better, feel better, achieve better for themselves.
I LOVE to take an idea, and make it happen - especially, if that idea can benefit others to be inspired to make things happen both for themselves and others.

3 Things I am Grateful For:

1. My Sayang.
2. My close friends - in NYC, Philly, Singapore, and now here in Davis, CA
3. My personal sense of style

Sucker Punch

Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take One day, Old man, Next day, Little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, They can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles. But to whisper from our hearts. Reminding that it's us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create.

You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can't be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.

Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!

In this world, there will be a time that we will come face to face with evil (evil defined loosely - with a face unique to each of us) faced. Sweet Pea, who appears frail and powerless, faces her evils not simply for herself... but for those around her that she seeks to protect - to provide - an end to their exploitation (freedom). I am left asking - am I courageous enough to stand up for the things in this life that are worth defending? Am I willing to stand up-in the face of evil-for the things that are good? Courage - will - determination... to face the truth. When you are willing to shed your complacency you will be more courageous than any hollywood action hero.

All I require from you is a slither of a moment. To have you not by force, but simply as a man and a women. To see in your eye, that simple truth, that you give yourself to me freely. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Now of course, for such a gem, I will give as well. I'm willing to give you freedom. Pure and total freedom. Freedom from the drudgery of everyday life. Freedom as abstract ideal. Freedom from pain. Freedom from responsibility. Freedom from guilt. From regret. Freedom from sadness. Freedom from loss. The freedom to be happy. Don't close your eyes; I need you to look at me. The freedom to love.

http://www.filmonair.com/video/sucker-punch-intro-sweet-dreams

Needs

Sitting on my desk at work is a file organizer. Attach to that file organizer is a sticker. A pleasant purple and white sticker that reads "Family Needs." It lists all the support available in the community to assist an individual (a family) with meeting his/her need(s). They include:-
Food
Clothing
Childcare/Parenting Classes
Health/Dental Care
Housing
Job Training/Employment
"Learn to Read"
Family Violence / Child Abuse
Alcohol, Drug & Mental Health Services
Teen Help
Suicide
Transportation
Emergency

Risk-Taking

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool;
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental;
To reach out for another is to risk involvement;
To expose feelings is to risk exposing true self;
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss;
To love is to risk not being loved in return;
To live is to risk dying;
To hope is to risk despair;
To try is to risk failure;
But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing;
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing;
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live;
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave and has forfeited freedom'
Only a person who risks is free.

I am beginning to appreciate what this year means for me - it is about truly recognizing and appreciating what it means to take risks.

I have fallen in love - and found myself willing to be vulnerable in a way I have never before - it is making me come face-to-face with some cogent aspects of myself.

Risk-taking involves many parts...

1. Action itself:-

• 
  
  Opening yourself to change. It is the accepting of the need for change and it is taking the behavioral steps that will result in that change.


• 
  
  Honest appraisal of a situation in life requiring your action.


• 
  
  Understanding the risks involved in taking such action.


• 
  
  Weighing the pros and cons of taking the action.


• 
  
  Making a choice to take the required action.


• 
  
  Performing the action with full consciousness of the risks, pros and cons and potential outcome.


• 
  
  Accepting the consequences of such action.
  

2. Reactions around the action:-

• 
  
  The ability to ignore your need for other's approval in order to take the most appropriate action for you.


• 
  
  The behavioral process involving the gamble that you may experience rejection from others for the actions you have chosen to take.


• 
  
  Pursuing the required actions despite the fear that it will affect others negatively, resulting in their efforts to make you feel guilty about taking such action.

3. Problem-solving & Conflict resolution:-

• 
  
  Now-oriented action.


• 
  
  Direct confrontation of a problem. It is the absence of procrastination and denial in dealing with a problem.


• 
  
  Responsible action taken to pursue the resolution of a problem.


• 
  
  The effort to be honest with yourself about your part in interpersonal problems, admitting that you have certain personal barriers that prevent the resolution of the problem.


• 
  
  Admitting to the other(s) involved what the barriers are and seeking assistance to address those barriers and resolve the problems.


• 
  
  Committing to become objective in pursuing a rational approach to a problem.


• 
  
  The willingness to identify irrational blocking beliefs, which hinder resolutions.


• 
  
  Opening yourself to be identified as being too subjective, too emotional, too obstructing and too hindering in the resolution of your problem.


• 
  
  The willingness to accept honest, objective feedback about the need for you to change your own behavior.


• 
  
  The effort to be less subjective, less defensive and more open in your search for truth, honesty and sanity in resolving your problem.


• 
  
  The willingness to take a healing, forgiving and forgetting attitude in pursuing the resolution of a conflict.


• 
  
  Opening yourself to be vulnerable, to being taken advantage of by the other in the conflict situation.


• 
  
  Demonstrating your trust in the other person's willingness to accept an honest, open and upfront approach to resolving the conflict.

4. Personal commitment:-

• 
  
  Deciding to make a personal sacrifice of time, energy, ability and knowledge as an investment to better your circumstances.


• 
  
  Hoping your circumstances will improve as a result of your personal sacrifice, but making it anyway.

What I have learn is that risk-taking is considered risk-taking because one does it despite oneself.

These past few weeks, I have seen myself act/behave/think in patterns that I thought were old and long-gone. I am slowly reclaiming myself, and now, find myself more actively challenging these patterns. What are these patterns?

Fear makes me lose my objectivity - it makes me interpret actions and words within a lense of fear. It is a fear I have to conquer from within - to conquer by recognizing that I am who I am, which is a worthwhile person. When vulnerable, I still have to remain clear and secure on this foundation - that vulnerability is about being open to truths and being open about truths.

(to be continued...)

Other People...

Again, sometimes notes fall on your lap (or pop up in your e-mail inbox) just when you need them...


Other people may have their own agenda for our life; we can value their input but we don’t have to take it to heart.


As children, our parents had dreams for us. They wanted us to do well in school, and to do whatever was necessary to reach our highest potential. Later in life, friends may try to set us up with their idea of the perfect partner or the perfect job. People close to us may have ideas about how we should live our lives, ideas that usually come from love and the desire for us to be happy. Other times, they come from a place of need within them—the parent who wants us to live out his or her dreams.

Whatever the case, we can appreciate and consider those people’s input, but ultimately we must follow our own inner guidance.

There may come a time when all the suggestions can become overbearing. We may feel that the people we love don’t approve of our judgment, which can hurt our feelings. It can interfere with the choices we make for our lives by making us doubt ourselves, or filling a void with their wishes before we’ve had a chance to decide what we want. It can affect us energetically as well. We may have to deal with feelings of resistance or the need to shut ourselves off from them.

But we can take some time to rid ourselves of any unnecessary doubts and go within to become clear on what we desire for ourselves.

We can tell our loved ones how much we appreciate their thoughts and ideas, but that we need to live our own lives and make our own decisions. We can explain that they need to let us learn from our own experiences rather than rob us of wonderful life lessons and the opportunity to fine-tune our own judgment. When they see that we are happy with our lives and the path we are taking to reach our goals, they can rest assured that all we need them to do is to share in our joy.


This article already echoes what I have known for very long. What it does not elaborate is that the tasks of standing up for oneself against very overbearing parents is not easy. I have to look deep within myself to recognize the strength I already possess, and the knowledge that I know what is best for me - that I will make mistakes. But for every fall, I am capable and have risen again to take the challenge. It is this knowledge that provides the scaffolding for me to hold myself up and face my parents. I have long known they only mean well - but their love blinds them to the daughter that stands in front of them. Today, I have truly started to mourn the loss of the parents I hope to have (thank you Jennifer). And by accepting my parents for who they are in front of me, I am starting to stand up for myself.

The Real Thing (Written April 19, 2010)

The Real Thing
I must thank my friend CP for introducing me to this website. Today's post was especially relevant to me and what I have been evaluating over the last year. I feel reassured that my thoughts are echoed in this article, and that I am on a path that is meaningful.

The Real Thing
Love Should Feel Good

Love should feel good. Relationships that leave you feeling depleted, sad and making excuses are not based in love.Often in our lives, we fall prey to the idea of a thing rather than actually experiencing the thing itself. We see this at play in our love lives and in the love lives of our friends, our family, and even fictional characters. The conceptualizing, depiction, and pursuit of true love are multimillion-dollar industries in the modern world. However, very little of what is offered actually leads us to an authentic experience of love. Moreover, as we grasp for what we think we want and fail to find it, we may suffer and bring suffering to others. When this is the case, when we suffer more than we feel healed, we can be fairly certain that what we have found is not love but something else. When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it. If we try to make more of it than it is, the romance then becomes painful. Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last. Real love is identifiable by the way it makes us feel. Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part of ourselves that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling us with warmth and light. An authentic experience of love does not ask us to look a certain way, drive a certain car, or have a certain job. It takes us as we are, no changes required. When people truly love us, their love for us awakens our love for ourselves. They remind us that what we seek outside of ourselves is a mirror image of the lover within. In this way, true love never makes us feel needy or lacking or anxious. Instead, true love empowers us with its implicit message that we are, always have been, and always will be, made of love.

Overwhelmed

Slowly

Curling

Inside

Of

Myself

To

Find

My

Place

Of

Calm

Tap

That

Source

Of

Energy

Renewing

My

Sense

Of

Direction

Parents - Asian

Amy Chua is a Wimp

Speaking my Mind

Today marks an important day.

Today, I finally understand what it means to be "beyond my parents."

Today, I accepted and asserted that I am an adult.

True, I have been making such gestures the last few months. Today, however, I felt empowered.

There was very little thought involved. I just went with my instinct. The words that flowed from me were already known to me - they didn't need to be crafted, or reviewed, or (given this site's name) contemplated prior to the actual conversation. I trusted that I was articulating my thoughts, feelings & sentiments for no reason other than it being the truth - the truth that needed to be said. It was no longer about being heard, or finding a voice, or even for there to be changes. I did it simply because I wanted to do it.

Insight into a Whirlwind

Patience is what is required of me, for me, to me. [Why?]

I can get lost in a whirlwind of the mind & heart. [Why?]

For so long, my voice has gone unheard that even I, sometimes, don't recognize it. Many voices have long come to fill that void. Sometimes, those voices resonate with mine, and sometimes, they are dissonant to mine. Yet, until recently, those voices felt louder than my own.

Recently, however, I have learned to be quiet and stay silently still - enough so that I can hear my own voice. It's a quirky voice - my own - with its own brand of dry humor.

Yet, every so often, it submerges - lost again amongst the many voices. But, my voice it grows strong - every day, a little louder & a little surer. Now, it seeks to be heard. It is just finding the words - so easy to pen (or type), not so easy to give sound. For those words give this voice shape - it makes it present. [Why?]

It is my voice. It is me. And with patience, I will come to be.

DISS-ER-TA-TION

How To Write a Ph.D. Dissertation (for some laughs - only because its tragically comic)

A conversation with a good friend, ES, revealed that those of us who embark on a dissertation and find ourselves soon disinterested in an academic career are all in the same boat - feeling the pressure of completing a task that we know we are capable of accomplishing, yet unmotivated to its outcome. The only outcome being our eventual liberty!

On a daily basis, she pursues the task at hand hoping to make a little more progress from where she ended the day before. And every day, she ends realizing that is still work to be done. Eventually, we both take respite in the knowledge that the day will come when we will look at our task at end and deem it complete. The only hurdle after that would be the oral defense.

I am exhausted looking at the written material - the literature that discusses it, the drafts I have written, the feedback and comment from advisers and peers. The topic did not really interest me, and it holds my interest even less today. The ability to sit in front of the computer and find the words to elucidate my thoughts on the matter do not come easy - why? - there are no thoughts being formed in my mind for words to carry onto the page. Yet, I continue to persevere. The end is near I tell myself as ES repeats to herself that her life will begin after this arduous demand she and I have both placed upon ourselves.

Yet, life is happening all around us as we hunch over our computers, rifle through endless stacks of papers, and thumb through pages of books. We find ourselves becoming depressed, cursing ourselves under our breath, and taking our irritation out on the closest person(s) to us. All of these actions we find regrettable when our momentary lapse in judgment returns to us.

Then a moment's glimmer. A hot shower, an ice-cream, a fond conversation ... returns us to the life around us. And for a moment, we forget. We forget the bane of our existence that bears its weight upon our shoulders, and for a moment, we breathe. Yet, it is only a moment's respite. Over time, I have learned to balance the two - the knowledge that I will soon be done with my requirement and fulfill my obligation to the academic community. Yet, there is a life to be led - and I will not stop living it for all that its worth. A dissertation is not life in and of itself.

California Dreamin'

Here's the update folks (all those who are reading this blog....)

I've been accepted to an internship program at the University of California - Yes, I am going to California.

It's funny how all these things come to be...

(1) For 2 years now, I have been repeatedly told that I would feel more comfortable given my personality out in the West Coast - preferably anywhere between the borders of Washington state with Canada to Northern California (where I will be)

(2) Recently, as my loved ones and friends know, I have been considering a change in my career direction - I was considering the idea of creating programs that would be beneficial to the well-being of others, rather than simply practice counseling alone. A requirement of this internship program, as their designated behavioral health intern, is that I liaise with university and hospital staff to create "health and wellness" programs for the faculty, staff and students of the University.

(3) In answer to my meditation teacher's surprise when I informed him that I did not consider my mindfulness practice as a component in my search of appropriate internship programs (since he recognizes the benefit my practice has on me, and as he tells me, my ability to share my gains with others), this internship program has, as part of its curricular, that I engage in a mindfulness practice and share it in counseling faculty, staff and students at the University. Thus, my meditation teacher is delighted. In his words, "it's funny how the universe has a way of working things out"

(4) And the burden of making a decision about internship, etc., has been lifted. The truth of the matter is - it is 1 year. And, once this 1 year is accomplished (August 1 2011 - July 30 2012), the next chapter of my life will begin.

Yet, the most important thing I have learned this past month.... is the experience of LOVE truly.

Where I always understood the saying ,"friend in need is a friend indeed," I now can appreciate the saying "in order to feel love, we must allow ourselves to feel pain, and still know what it means to feel safe."

It has been an emotional roller-coaster of a month, but today, I smile. I hung on. I am here. I am happy.



The Runaways - How Can I Resist?!

Jealousy...

"Jealousy is one of the toughest feelings we come up against in our live, yet jealousy is a common human feeling.

Jealousy has something good to offer us - information about our own heart’s desire.

When we find that we are jealous of certain people, and we are aware of this jealousy - by acknowledging it, we may discover what we want for ourselves. This discovery is the first step to achieving our desire. Whatever it is, it is possible that we could create it for ourselves, in our own lives, if we are able to honor our own desires.

Other times, it may have to be a lesson about acceptance and the understanding that our path is different from the paths of those around us. While, it may be hard to see now - it will eventually be clear why our life has taken its particular path.

In the end, the best cure for jealousy is the recognition that the life we have is full of its own meaning and beauty, utterly unique to us—a gift that could never be found in the life of another."

Lately, I have been jealous. I am jealous of my friends who can be in the company and presence of their loved ones. Don't get me wrong - I am very fortunate to be able to say that I am loved. However, I have lived alone for a long time. True, I have friends - again, for whom I am very grateful. Yet, there is something to be said about the presence of unconditional support I can come home to on a regular basis. I trust (and know) that such support already exists in a form that cannot be touched, but I am beginning to realize that I seek more to be able to hold it in my arms. Awareness of my jealousy has only revealed to me my desire to be closed to the ones I love - selfishly, so I know the comfort of being in their presence. So now I work tirelessly towards my goal - to be with the ones I love.

Reminder

To Myself:-

Decision.

I'm putting my decision here.

We all wonder what we will be (or rather what work we will do) when we are all grown up. We look to our elders, our teachers, our peers for inspiration. We look to "heroes" to aspire us. We scrutinize our education, and cultivate our interests. We take stock of our passions, our talents, and the nature of our personalities. We hope we find something we will like doing - that speaks to us, that speaks about us. We hope we will be something that makes us proud of ourselves.

Growing up, I did not know what I wanted to be. My father is a medical doctor, my mother is a housewife. Many members of my family are in business, finance or engineering. Some are teachers. Teachers that aspire me taught me English, literature and biology. My peers - well, they were too busy trying to figure it out for themselves. I had no "heroes," nor "heroines". My education was in the sciences and mathematics. My interests, however, was in literature and history. My passions were varied, my talents never tested to its limits, and my personality - well that's a chameleon on its own terms.

Yet, what I liked doing was listen - through peoples' tales of joy and woe, I would come to learn about the world beyond myself. And, what I found gratifying was the ability to be in the service of others.

Over the years, I have met many people and had the opportunity to listen to them. Their stories only intrigued me more to learn about the human condition. The knowledge that I could be of service to them, through listening and providing empathy, made me happy - perhaps, there is a vocation for me.

Despite the lack of support from loved ones, and the pooh-poohing I experienced when I shared my aspiration, the dream was to become a clinical psychologist. However, what that realistically meant as a profession was lost on me.

It has been 5 years that I have been practicing my trade as a student of clinical psychology. I have worked at 5 different clinics, seen approximately 50 clients from all walks of life, clocked in close to 1000 hours of listening, counseling and even more writing notes.

Through those 5 years, something about myself (actually much about myself) has arisen to my awareness - my emotional resources are limited [As you may already know from previous entries, I have come to accept that I am an emotionally sensitive person]. Clinical work has taken its toll on me. While I succeed day-in and day-out at being emotionally present for people in clinic, their stories do affect me and render me emotionally exhausted. To strike a balance, I practice a lot of self-compassionate care - just allowing myself to be with the emotions and let them pass, and accept the situations/people as they present themselves.

Yet, after 5 years, I have also been given the opportunity to explore using my skills in different arenas. I have learned that there are other outlets for me to be in service of other people and offer of myself. Outlets that may not emotionally exhaust me to the degree counseling has these past 5 years. These include running a charity outfit, heading a student organization directed towards health and wellness, and writing funding paperwork for various non-profit initiatives. There have also been writing opportunities that have come my way that have re-instilled my love for discussing topics of interest.

In addition, I've decided my emotional resources are best reserved for those I care and love deeply. For, if there is one thing I have learned in my 5 years, the most important thing in life is having people you love and who love you. Everything after that is secondary.

So, I am putting my decision(s) here.

1. If I match the second round, I will fulfill my academic obligation towards getting certified.
2. If I do not match the second round, I will determine the next course of life ... (there is word that I might simply take the year off, and re-apply... that is a bridge I will cross when I get there).

Regardless, I know I have people I love and who love me.

Layers of Vulnerability

I took a moment to re-read a few of my previous entries.

Much of what I write are aspirations. Aspirations that I am working towards, and by no means, have perfected (or will ever perfect in my humble opinion).

Much of what I write I know with practice and time I can achieve, especially in situations where there present little trial or tribulation... Yet, what life is there if not one where we are tested. During these tests, I am pushed just a little bit more - to reflect on that which I aspire.

I aspire to acknowledge that I am human. And human with all my sensitivities... For I am a sensitive human. The double-edged sword of my existence that I am embracing as simply "me."

One thing that I have discovered is that being vulnerable / real is not difficult. However, I am beginning to appreciate that there are many layers to my vulnerability. While most people see the facet of me that is honest and true, they are often protected from the reverberations of emotions that may pass through (albeit temporarily) as an undercurrent. They see someone that has a handle on it. The truth is - below all the layers, there is a core that is stable, calm and (never did I think I could say this) whole. Yet, I am a sum of all these layers. And sometimes, I don't have a handle, and you know - it is okay. It doesn't have to be any less or more than it is, and when the emotions have reverberated through... I am still a sum of all these layers.

My father, who cares deeply for me, grows deeply concerned when he see me suffer. He finds it hard to talk about what causes me the pain he sees me feel. Often, he worries that I need to "just get over it." And, he is right - there is no benefit to making something more than it is. However, for me, simply being in that moment can appear quite distressing. Why appear? The truth is, I know when I am distressed that I am distressed. I know now that I simply need to be with my sadness, and my pain. I need to comfort it, and acknowledge it. When it is painful, I simply seek comfort. To know I can bear that pain on my sleeve, and it's alright, because that is where I am at the moment. Even I know that moment will pass. Perhaps, not today or tomorrow, but soon...
However, my distress ... distresses my father. And day after day, he will call out of fear that I remain distressed, which is not something he would like for me. I am sorry my pain hurts him so - I wish he knew - all I seek from him is comfort that ... "this too will pass but it's okay to feel."

It's okay to be the human that you are.

In the Midst...

of a sad song, are words that ring so true...

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
Oh, I need this

K.

Marriage...

Something I stumbled across...

"Marry someone you can see yourself with for a long time. [..] Don't ever expect marriage to by 50/50. The ratio fluctuates from day to day, sometimes in your favor and sometimes not. Don't keep track. Don't share your private business with family, friends, or your church community. It is disrespectful to your spouse and your marriage. I have been married a LONG time (20+ years) and we do argue. But we are best friends and love each other more today than the day we got married. Strive to be a good role model for your children, if you have them. It will keep you honest."

Open, Honest & True

Difficult moments in life present themselves with the opportunity to step back and appreciate the things that make life all worthwhile:-

1. love from those near and dear
2. friendships that step up and stand behind you
3. words of wisdom and insight from the ones your respect and hold in esteem
4. a sense of self that is unshaken at its very foundation

These past few days were difficult for me. I had to confront a few truths - some not very pleasant ones.

The first truth is that I am by nature a person who needs to love and be loved. I need to surround myself with those people I hold dear. I realize I gain strength from being able to be present for the ones I love, and am slowly learning to let them be there to love me. I miss my family and my loved ones. My recent trip home made me realize how loved I am.

The second truth is that being true to myself and not compromising does not guarantee that I will be appreciated for who I am (or rather receive the fruits reflecting such appreciation). I did not match to an internship program. Truth be told - I was not upset. I took this to imply only one thing - neither of those sites would be the appropriate internship site for me. Furthermore, I had concluded that not matching at either of these programs would mean that I would return home and be in the company of my loved ones. Life and its career path for me simply required adjustment of expectations - when taken in perspective of what is truly important in life is not a difficult task at all.

The third truth is that there always many paths in life, and one has to be very clear when making decisions regarding the path she chooses to take. For it is a choice. I was left to decide whether to accept that I will return simply on that truth, or take another gamble by applying to internship sites that announced vacant positions. Still, it was not certain that I would obtain a position at one of these sites. Discussions with loved ones, who only had my best interests on their minds, convinced me that all gambles are worthwhile if only to avoid the difficulties that would be certain for not taking them. Specifically, the gamble of doing the internship to receive APA certification. APA certification implies that I am a graduate of the clinical program and immediately establishes worldwide recognition for the clinical training I have received the previous 5 years.

The fourth truth, and perhaps the hardest truth, is the only way to be certain is to accept uncertainty. So often, I have lived in fear. Uncertain of situation as they present themselves, I fear my actions would make bad a good situation, and make worse a bad situation. I am only beginning to appreciate that there is no such thing as certainty - only the illusion of it. I am also beginning to realize that fear only removes me of my conviction. I am not certain of my future - I can only experience the present for what it is in that moment. I am reminding myself to live one day at a time, and not succumb to the fear that arises - simply to face it and move on.

To be open, honest and true - I know what it is today that I want for myself. It is a simple life that allows me to be with those I love, and do the work that brings meaning both myself and others. While the first clause is simple to meet, the second remain an open question for there are many vocations that exist that can fulfill such criteria. It includes teaching, social work, counseling, administrative work in a non-profit organization... etc.

futher commentary possible... stay tuned.

Communication Skills

Website on Inter-Cultural Communication

1. Beware of making assumptions about people based on physical characteristics: race, ethnicity, age, ability, gender, etc. (That can’t be reiterated enough!)

Beware of making assumptions PERIOD. There is never a reason to assume - it can only lead us down a path that makes an "ass" of both "u" and "me" - no joke.

2. Do good research in advance, but do not take ‘country guides’ as being the final word. Individual preferences vary and will trump any group customs, but might be helpful to know that the clock you about to give as a gift to your Chinese host might imply death.

What entails good research? - it means ASK and LEARN. If you are unsure or unclear, put yourself in the position that demonstrates a willingness to understand; nobody that I know is ever put off by a humble request from a person who wants only to know better - such inquiries are more a demonstration of respect, and who doesn't like to feel they are being respected.

3. Welcome feedback as a gift. Thanking someone for his or her suggestions is a great way to solicit ‘insider’ knowledge. Once you say thanks for the insight, he or she may be willing to share more. When a business deal is at stake that could be just the ticket to your success.

Again, does it take much to humble oneself? - only if EGO and PRIDE get in the way - but as it has been eloquently said before, "it never hurts to learn more."

4. Embrace your own identity and use that as a platform to communicate with others. (I statements instead of you statements—as in “that’s so interesting, I do it this way, how do you do it?

Embrace your own identity. Embrace yourself. Respect and love yourself - there is something about you worth sharing - that opens the other person to see that they are being respected and loved for who they are, and that opens them to share of themselves.

I admit, personally, this sometimes is hard for me especially with issues closer to the heart. However, I know there is beauty that lies within that. I may not explicitly demonstrate knowledge of that truth, but I do know it.

5. Asks questions to understand what motivates others.

Learn what makes a person tick - again, it shows that you are interested in that person for who that person is, and who doesn't want to share when they been given the space to express themselves.

6. Be open to learning, and learn to teach without being judgmental or making the learner feel embarrassed. Remember Emerson (sic) Everyone is my master because I can learn something from everyone.

Be OPEN. Often time, this is a phenomenon much easier said then done. Yet, there is hope. All it requires is practice - facing the fear that finds itself accompanying one's effort to be open. Practice makes perfect - openness too can be a virtue of yours.

7. Be an Anthropologist. Ethnographers or Participant Observers are keen to watch the interactions of others closely when approaching new communities or situations. How are items being used? How do people greet one another? It’s a chance to really listen with your whole being. Think “don’t drink the water in the finger bowl.”

Sometimes, saying less is saying more. Taking the time to sit back, observe, listen and compile your understanding of people and situations provides us with a sense of how we are different as well as how we are alike (and, we are more alike than we like to believe... just don't get bogged down by the details).

8. Be sure to try new things, particularly foods when in another country. But, allow a little latitude when ordering food in restaurants, as in, you may understand the word for lasagna, but it may not be served as you expected…enjoy-seeing how similar concepts are enacted in different countries is part of the fun. (on the flip side, ff you have allergies or things that don’t allow latitude, like a peanut allergy, bring a dictionary to know key words.)

Be ADVENTUROUS.

9. Be patient with yourself and others. Anger, unease, defensiveness, etc. may come with the territory. Just remember, that moment of discomfort is usually when you are at the cusp of learning! Kind of like in weight lifting—the moment the weight is too much and the muscle fails, is the moment the muscle gets stronger.

Prepare yourself to face resistance within yourself - often fueled by fear - learn to recognize it when it arises, and learn how to tame it so that you do not lose the big picture for the small details. Fear, like any other emotion, is transient.

10. Be brave but safe, confident but humble…don’t be afraid to simply open the dictionary to the right page and just show it to the person with whom you are speaking; learn where the street signs are-sometimes they are on the corner, sometimes on the side of the building, sometimes on the sidewalk. If you go out alone, bring a piece of paper with the phone number and address where you are staying.

Straddle the extremes... balance comes when you find the middle-ground - and that balance will provide you the ability to simply be yourself while reaching yourself out to become something quite other and still you.

In my opinion,

Communication require a few key components - Courage, Patience, Curiosity, Sincerity.

To be courageous is to put yourself out into situations you may not necessarily find comfortable, to face the fears that arise and pursue those situations regardless.

To be patience is to appreciate the difficulties that may arise for you and/or the other person, and understand that time is a true guide. Whenever we attempt to rush, we end up getting no where.

To be curious is to seek to learn, to ask, to push our horizons simply because we can. A childlike wonder only makes it more fun.

To be sincere (or genuine or authentic) is to be open and honest with both ourselves and the other person, and to respect the other person without cause for judgment or persecution.

I continue to ponder... and changes may or may not be made - but comments as always are welcomed :o)

Name - Revealed.

My name is Kinjal.

Growing up, I hated my name. Kids teased me by calling me "brinjal" (the Asian equivalent of eggplant) or "ginjal" (the Malay word for kidney). Adults mispronounced it, making a soft sounding name harsh and jarring. Even the story behind my name - how my parents chose it - was unconvincing to me. When my mother was pregnant with me, my father became enamored by the vitality of his friend's one-year old daughter. Her name was Kinjal, and he made a vow that if I were born as healthy as that little girl, it would also be my name. Coincidentally, astrologers who consulted the stars upon my birth according to Indian custom suggested my name start with a letter 'K', thereby leaving no doubt in my parents' mind that my name should be Kinjal.

At age twelve, I met a man learned in Sanskrit, which is the ancient language my name originated from. Looking at me with very kind eyes, he smiled and told me that my name means “that which bears the lotus." Following a pause to see if I was still paying attention, he continued, "that which bears the lotus, meaning the plant that takes root in mud to grow a stem through murky water so that it may bring forth the lotus blossom for the world to appreciate."

With my eyes closed, I tried to picture a lotus plant in a pond, while the man continued to unveil the significance of my name in a poetic verse. "Your name symbolizes the aspiration of mankind,” he explained. “It symbolizes the taking root and being borne in darkness (mud) only to reach towards the light with longing and practice (stem) so as to blossom (flower) with wisdom and compassion,” Seeing my confusion as my eyes opened, he laughed and asked me to keep those words in my mind and heart, and that one day it would make sense.

Over the years, I have encountered many forms of adversity. When I was young, I underwent several surgeries to correct a congenital defect that required me to use crutches for six months and caused me excruciating pain. I also grappled with grief when I lost one friend to cancer and another to suicide. I was often reprimanded for coming up with novel solutions or approaches to scientific problems instead of blindly following my teachers' preferred method of rote memorization. I also had to overcome my parents' desire for me to join the medical profession and instead pursue my interest in psychology and psychotherapy.

Regardless, I remain undaunted in the face of adversity. I use my name as a motto to always persevere for what is true to me. As I grow older, I try to approach life with more patience and compassion both towards myself and the people around me. There is never a better reminder of my core principles than when I introduce myself to others and say, "My name is Kinjal."

Yoda

Happy New Year - 2011

Happy New Year!

This year, I decided to welcome the new year by attending an overnight meditation retreat at The Farmhouse - a beautiful refurbished mill house situated on 7 acres of property that functions as a safe space for people to rest, recover, and rejuvenate. The owner is Barbara Montgomery, an exceptional jazz vocalist, who decided to give her time to non-profit work for the benefit of youths.

The first evening of meditation was a solemn affair - the focus being the identification of negative acts & thoughts to allow for the subsequent removal of negative karma. The warmth of the room and the sombreness of the practice made it difficult to stay focused but there was a lot for me to visit over the past year. Honestly, as my mind took note of all the harm I may have done, my heart took a moment to register all the benefit / good I have had the pleasure to be a part of this past year. Where before I would be stricken with guilt, blaming myself for much wrong-doing and self-doubt, the past year ended with me acknowledging how human I am and that I can only grow from these experiences.

Indeed, I felt a lot of gratitude and joy for I realize how lucky I am. I have a father who takes the time to talk to me like an adult and make the effort to understand my point of view eventhough there are moments we do not see eye-to-eye. I have a mother who only wants the best for me - to not have me live this life alone. I have a brother who knows he can seek me out when he needs the support of a sister. This year has brought me new friends and deepen existing friendships. Finally, my heart, as it opens, has allowed me to recognize before me an individual I am coming to care for and love deeply - someone who provides me the greatest gift any girl can ask for - the effort to understand and accept me as I am ("tall order" so he says).

Once my stomach filled with delicious food, and everybody settled into their rooms, a summer camp atmosphere took over the farmhouse with people chatting, singing, and playing the various musical instruments in the hall. The clock struck 12:00 quietly, and everyone greeted each other with hugs, kisses, and well-wishes for the new year. Sleep came quickly after (once I put the phone down on a much treasured conversation).

The second day of meditation was a more light-hearted affair - after a 2 hour sitting, we shuffled around each other eating lunch with various people taking turn to play music and entertain. After lunch, we sat and were asked to make a wish for the new year. I knew immediately my wish (and will not write it here...) - it was a simple one. The day ended with a pleasant chat with my teacher over a cup of tea.

I start this year with a true revelation - I am happy.

May this year be a joyous one for you as well.

K.