DISS-ER-TA-TION

How To Write a Ph.D. Dissertation (for some laughs - only because its tragically comic)

A conversation with a good friend, ES, revealed that those of us who embark on a dissertation and find ourselves soon disinterested in an academic career are all in the same boat - feeling the pressure of completing a task that we know we are capable of accomplishing, yet unmotivated to its outcome. The only outcome being our eventual liberty!

On a daily basis, she pursues the task at hand hoping to make a little more progress from where she ended the day before. And every day, she ends realizing that is still work to be done. Eventually, we both take respite in the knowledge that the day will come when we will look at our task at end and deem it complete. The only hurdle after that would be the oral defense.

I am exhausted looking at the written material - the literature that discusses it, the drafts I have written, the feedback and comment from advisers and peers. The topic did not really interest me, and it holds my interest even less today. The ability to sit in front of the computer and find the words to elucidate my thoughts on the matter do not come easy - why? - there are no thoughts being formed in my mind for words to carry onto the page. Yet, I continue to persevere. The end is near I tell myself as ES repeats to herself that her life will begin after this arduous demand she and I have both placed upon ourselves.

Yet, life is happening all around us as we hunch over our computers, rifle through endless stacks of papers, and thumb through pages of books. We find ourselves becoming depressed, cursing ourselves under our breath, and taking our irritation out on the closest person(s) to us. All of these actions we find regrettable when our momentary lapse in judgment returns to us.

Then a moment's glimmer. A hot shower, an ice-cream, a fond conversation ... returns us to the life around us. And for a moment, we forget. We forget the bane of our existence that bears its weight upon our shoulders, and for a moment, we breathe. Yet, it is only a moment's respite. Over time, I have learned to balance the two - the knowledge that I will soon be done with my requirement and fulfill my obligation to the academic community. Yet, there is a life to be led - and I will not stop living it for all that its worth. A dissertation is not life in and of itself.