SHIFTING SANDS OF TIME !

Time moves,
so do we
But the Child in us is Free
It does not grow
As Events come and go
Age makes you wiser, they say
but Impressions Linger,
as we weighthe second self or alter ego
Lives what we would be and not are on show
Memories of past, good and bad
are better forgotten on the road
Rocky foundations not shifting sands of Time
take imprints and leave footprints on the sands of Time !

muppets

Since I could remember, I was always a fan of the Muppets.
Sesame Street to The Muppet Show to every other movie with them as the starring cast.
There was something about them - it was 'magical'

No Need To Argue

Empty

All I can feel ...

This very moment is empty.

The Light @ The End of The Tunnel

Hope that the light symbolizes the end, but prepare yourself should it be instead the light from an oncoming train.

Know Who I Am

This past week was an interesting one for me.
I have had a few triumphs and a few stagnation points.
Yet, through it all, I felt rather weepy.
Before I ascribe it to simply hormones (and it could simply be hormones), I want to ask myself if there is something I am just not permitting myself to see or to accept.
The truth is that I have worked very hard these past few years towards developing my sense of self and with it the confidence.
While my thin veneer of confidence is now bolstered by a real sense of worth, there still is a little doughnut-hole filled with air.
Yes, deep inside, there is a nugget of emptiness.
Though before it was easy to pierce through my veneer and enter this space, it is much harder now.
But here I am... feeling it. Feeling that void.

My mantra... "Just trust myself."

Don't Forget to Breathe

"So don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don't forget to breathe"

This past year, I learned an important lesson.
Life is to be lived in the moment (not for the moment) - a moment that can last as long as a breath (perhaps, even a moment shorter than it takes for one to complete a breath).
In that moment, a lot can happen.
And each moment floats into the next.
Don't get caught up in the past - simply acknowledge how it's brought you to this moment.
Don't fret about the future - recognize you have choices within the moment to take you where you need to go.
Yet, where you end up - in that moment, there is always something... it may not be what you expected but when you step back and appreciate that moment for what it is, you might find it is exactly what it has to be.

Forgive the ramble - that's how these thoughts presented themselves to me and I wrote them down "freehand"

Be Yourself

"even when you've paid enough
been put upon or been held up
with every single memory of
the good or bad, faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
i'm sure everything will end up alright
you may win or lose"

-Be Yourself, Audioslave-

Every day is proving to be a learning experience - learning about myself, the people that surround me and the human race in general.
The most important thing I am learning is who I am, truly.
And the most important practice during this time (and I know for the future) is the acceptance of this which I discover of myself and to simply "be myself."




[Not that I follow much of the zodiac and personality etc. ... but this definition of my cusp is oddly true]

Awareness of Pleasant Events - Day FOUR

As part of a mindfulness project,

I am suppose to note when a pleasant event or experience occurs, focus my awareness on the event while it is happening, and record it.

DAY FOUR (Friday, October 10 2009):

Q. What was the pleasant event?
A. Listening to a live performance of Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings" by the Philadelphia Orchestra

Q. Describe what you noticed while the pleasant event was occurring.

How did your body feel? What mental events, thoughts, and emotions did your notice?
A. My body was overcome with the rawness of realizing I was hearing this piece live.
A. Mentally, my mind was taken over with gratitude by the fact that I was able to hear this piece live.
A. Emotionally, I was moved to tears.

The reality is... this is my experience of the piece. I cannot truly put into words. So experience it for yourself...

Awareness of Pleasant Events - Day THREE

As part of a mindfulness project,

I am suppose to note when a pleasant event or experience occurs, focus my awareness on the event while it is happening, and record it.

DAY THREE (Friday, October 09 2009):

Q. What was the pleasant event?
A. Realizing the concern the members of my committee have for my future career and making the effort to help me realize my dream.

Q. Describe what you noticed while the pleasant event was occurring.

How did your body feel? What mental events, thoughts, and emotions did your notice?
A. Body was relaxed throughout, but at the end of the meeting, it was filled with warmth.
A. Mentally, I was reminding myself that my committee members were conversing out of concern for me and the hard questions they were asking were for them to ascertain how they can be of assistance to me.
A. Emotional, it felt good to know that I was cared for in such a manner.

How to Discover New Music (I.E. Pandora)

Yes, this is a how-to for people interested in discovering new music. 

1. Pandora Music - Access this website
   
2. Type in the name of a band OR a song that you know you like 
   
3. Wait (Patience is KEY)
   
4. The first song is usually by the band you requested (or the band that played the song requested)
   
5. Pay Attention to the next couple of songs they play
   

... And every now and then, you key in a band/song and you are greeted by 5 songs you've heard before and are happy to hear again... 

... And other times, you hear rare songs from the band, which suddenly becomes more your favorite than that radio-overplayed single that introduced you to the band in the first place ...

So go ahead, discover new music - all by yourself!

*tongue-in-cheek*

The Wise Saying of a Shuttle Driver (and a Good Start to a Monday)

Every Monday morning at 7:00, I use the services of my rental company's courtesy shuttle to take me from my place of residence to my place of work. And as his solo passenger at that hour (usually), every ride is always a learning experience. Today's ride was no exception and our discussion was even one of coincidence given the start of my day.

The alarm of my clock radio woke me to The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You" at 6:00am, and I laid in bed for another 30 minutes listening to the tunes paying just a little more attention than I used to before [Author's Note: The lyrics to The Pretenders' song was rather poignant for me]. I decided that today I will be more mindful of my actions and took my time to have my shower and get dressed. It was 6:55am by the time I was ready (yes, I take all of 25 minutes to shower and dress in the mornings). I then proceeded to take my time to pack my bag for the day and checked TWICE. I walked out of my residence this morning for the first time certain that I did not forget anything of importance for the day - even the ticket for the concert I will be attending later in the evening.

Promptly at 7:10am, the shuttle came by the corner and with a cheerful greeting, I boarded. Today's conversation was about the patience and people's current lack of patience. We spoke about the importance of delayed gratification in children and teaching them the value of that which they are impatient to obtain/achieve. Yet, the best part of the conversation was towards the end when he said [and I paraphrase, of course], "When you give yourself the time to do something properly and you see the results of such efforts, then you can truly start to appreciate it and with that find worth in yourself." He was giving the example of taking the time to study for a test and be patient when sitting for an exam (the state's licensure exam for social workers to be precise) for which he was ranked 8th among his fellow students. I could not help but smile... it was a start of a good day.

On a separate note, being patient is not only about being so with yourself but also with the people you interact with.

[To continue about it being a good day and the kind knowledge of knowing there is good people, I walked up to my usual coffee cart and sincerely asked if $5.00 would cover a cup of latte and a chocolate croissant (my usual Monday breakfast fare - very Italian). She rang up the register and we saw that I came short by 15 cents, to which she said, "It does not matter. We'll just take it from my tip jar." My heart warmed by her generosity, I paused only to realize suddenly that I did not take into account the handful of change I may have in my wallet. And there it was - 15 cents, and none to be taken from her tipjar. I apologized, but she simply smiled and said, "Nobody counts their change as money they have. Even I forget that." I thanked her again as she prepared my latte.]

Freedom...for Burma (Myanmar)

The other night (after the U2 concert actually), it came to my attention that not many of my friends or other Americans that I know are aware of the situation in Burma.

Burma, located in South-East Asia (my home region), was a British colony until from 1886-1948. In 1947, General Aung San was in charge of the transitional government but he was assassinated shortly after by political rivals. From 1948-1961, Burma was a democratic republic only to have it end by a military coup d'état in 1962 - The Burmese JUNTA came to existence. General Ne Win, who orchestrated the bold move, continued to rule the country after establishing a one-party system - Burma Socialist Programme Party. There were frequent demonstrations by students, a mass exodus of individuals of Indian (South Asian) origin, a retreat of Muslims to Bangladesh, and the death of many nationals. In 1989, there was another coup d'etat followed by a declaration of martial law that set the stage for the People's Assembly elections. One individual campaigned for democracy under the banner of "The National League for Democracy" won 60% of the seats, but the results were annulled by "The State Law and Order Restoration Council," which was the very party that established the elections - another Burmese JUNTA. And, in order to keep this individual from participating in politics, she was detained and currently remains under house arrest.

This individual is Aung San Suu Kyi. Her politics are informed by pacifist leaders before her (e.g., Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr.) and her Buddhist teachings. And she is commonly acknowledged for "It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it."

However, as she sits at home trying to fight for the freedom of her people from the current military junta in power, the Burmese people have themselves been protesting. The most recent I am aware of is September 18 2007 when Buddhist monks took to the streets of Burma to protest in a non-violent fashion. According to reports, the military cracked down on this protest on September 26 2007, and the incident was coined the Saffron Revolution.

The Burmese people continue their protest even outside of their home country.

"If we fear, we lose this freedom. The freedom is for the people who dare to use it. You have to use it. If you don't dare to use it, you lose it."

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

A lot of people describe me as "aloof," "stand-offish," "cold," and perhaps a whole lot more that falls in the same category. Those are the people who do not know me. I have a tough exterior, a little rough even, which I am willing to admit sometimes adds to my appeal. And, it is always difficult to explain to someone the reason for my being so. Yet, how do I explain that the many years having walked through this world alone has taught me that I cannot do it alone but that I do not have the skills within me to reach out to you. And that I am waiting for you to reach out to me, make me feel safe and allow me to open myself - to show you what depths lay within me (of thought, of emotion, of humor). If only I knew what it is I have to say or do to show you how to connect to me - I would gladly be vulnerable. Because, well I know, I cannot make it on my own.

Stay...

Date: September 24, 2009
Time: 7:00 PM - 12:00 AM
Location: NY Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

Event: U2 360 Tour

U2 lived up to their reputation - a BRILLIANT live performance for a band that has been successfully around as long as I have been alive and the audience of 85,000+ was testament to that fact. Having been a fan of theirs since my uncle passed me their Joshua Tree album when I was around 10 years of age, this was a lifetime dream come true. As with every tour, they played songs still unfamiliar from their new album and slowly slid into familiar song after familiar song. The crowd was on their feet, arms in the air or around a loved one, and their voices sung line after line in chorus. If anything, this must be the religious experience that BONO often refers to when he talks about performing to a large audience - to have everyone, in a single moment, be in harmony and sound like ONE.

Yet, if I had to choose without a doubt what song I would take from that night... it would be this one:

[Pardon Me, I did not record it myself nor could I find one that was actually performed the night of the concert I attended but this is rather close...]

If I could stay - then the night would give you up
Stay - then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay, and the night would be enough

Super-Hero versus Super-Human

DC Comics = Superhero

Marvel Comics = Superhuman

Superman versus Spiderman. 

One an "alien" being on Earth enabled with super-powers, the other a simple kid who got bitten by a mutant spider and left to understand what to make of his new-found abilities. Both trying to juggle what it must be to fit into "normal" human society even with the knowledge that "normal" is not how they should be defined by the same society. While the former has a clear idea that his purpose is to do good and serve society, the latter struggles with his own human fantasies to eventual decipher what would be considered the responsible course of action. 

And for that simple reason, I am drawn to the superhuman over the caricature of the superhero. For we, "normal" humans, all struggle with having to face our fears/desires when making (sometimes tough) decisions that we hope will be the right one. Yet, what makes a decision the right one?            

At a talk last evening, I was presented with a decision-making scenario - one which I use often when it comes to my work, but now shown to be applicable in all domains of life. This scenario: Think not what is the more natural course of action, but rather what is the most beneficial course of action. It really is a question of what one's intentions are behind the choices one makes - are they coming from a self-centered or other-centered point of view? If we all took a little longer to stop and process what the intent of our actions is and what may be the repercussions of those actions towards the other person, we might come to understand "beneficial" course of action as one where we do not wish harm onto the other person. 

I had a written a similar post a long time ago, and someone left a comment stating something to the effect of, "even plans with the best of intentions can go awry." And to this, I finally reply: one cannot know the outcome of one's actions necessarily, but if one knows that one meant well at the time of action then one cannot fault oneself for things that may be out of one's control.  

And so my friends, with a little kindness and empathy for the next person, we can all be superhuman.                                                   

If You Want to Sing Out...

The Enigma of Blue Skies [Tribute Concert for the Fraternal Order of Police of Philadelphia @ the Mann Center]

Since 2008, I have had the privilege of attending a few concerts (classical, operatic, and contemporary) at the Mann Concert Center in Fairmount Park, Philadelphia. It is a beautiful venue, but especially for the performance of classical pieces by the Philadelphia Orchestra. This past Sunday (09/20/2009) was no different - a tribute concert on the behalf of the FOP of Philadelphia.
My friends GFB (this is the reverse of that famous and loved Roald Dahl character, BFG - sorry, it has just come to my attention) and ES, their respective boyfriends A? and HN, and I got vouchers to obtain free tickets for the concert that promised orchestral versions of patriotic, classical and contemporary favorites. The concert list included Copeland, Gould, Elgar, themes from "Rocky" (i.e. everyone's favorite Philadelphian movie) and "Superman." Even Tony Danza was there to belt out a Sinatra tune.
Yet, the music program aside, it was the freedom of the venue that most appeals to me. We all laid out our picnic blankets, topped it with various goodies we had recently purchased (e.g., pita, hummus, tortilla chips, 5-layer dip, carrots, grapes, crostini, chevre), poured wine (shiraz) into our little paper cups, and proceeded to seat ourselves comfortably.
There was the anthem, the patriotic classics, and then...



to which I laid back, closed my eyes and for a moment found myself lost in the music only to open my eyes to

Now, that's truly an experience I hope I can re-live over and over again.

Needs Versus Wants

I recall myself once saying that people tend to confuse wants with needs, and never vice versa.
Needs = Necessity
Wants = Desire/Wish

Somethings we come to believe are such requirements that to be without, we come to possibly believe we would not survive.
Yet, regardless of whether we have them or not, we continue to exist and exist well.
At times, we think of a want so much as a need that we forgo what we deserve in light of possessing that object of our desire.
We, humans, are so good at convincing ourselves that something that may not be a necessary thing for us (especially in circumstances where that object brings more harm than good) is a need, we forget to appreciate when something we want comes our way.


I've got nothing left
I've given my best
And I know I can't do this
On my own
I'm torn between
Going after dreams
Or living with regret
Of letting go
I'm done with banging my head against the door
But can you peel me off this floor
Cuz I don't know if I can get up again
What I want may not be what I need
Have I been let down?
Or am I learning now?
To trust in what I cannot see
But I'm tired of trying to figure out what you want
And tired of always screwing up
But this is all of me
What I want may not be what I need
Just let it go…
What I want may not be what I need

Making Mistakes

Funny, but true. 

Mistakes provide you with the opportunity to take a step back. 

It puts a halt to your skip, and should you choose to, 

makes you assess where you are at that very moment and where you intend to go from there. 

Sometimes, 

• we keep right on the path we have set for ourselves 
  
• we stop for a moment longer and take that moment in just a little more 
  
• we turn right around and try to find from where we came 
  
• we find ourselves moving forward in a different direction, one we may never knew existed before our pause  
  

Yet, many of us fear making mistakes. 

What we really fear are the repercussions we may have to face for having made the mistake(s).  

Growing up, I was always hastily and heavily reprimanded for my "mistakes." 

I put this word in quotation marks because I was never always aware what the mistake had been. 

Nor was I necessarily made aware. 

And leave a child, punished, alone to decide what was wrong...  

that child ultimately decides the mistake lies within. 

That the child, ultimately, is the mistake - that I could do no right, 

and if I did I called it "luck." 

Nevermind that I was not aware of the crime for which I was being punished, 

I was not even educated about the circumstances at play. 

All I came to learn was that I made a mistake and that I was wrong. 

After awhile, making mistakes was unacceptable.  

To make a mistake means having to face that something was wrong about myself.  

The irony is - I can accept others making mistakes; 

I do not think there is necessarily anything wrong with them. 

I mean is it not human to err...?  

Now, I make mistakes, and I look forward to learning my mistake and evaluating how to respond to it.  

For it is not about making the mistake, but about how I choose to respond to it.

Trust...

I saw this scene and cried - very rarely is there a scene in a show that directly addresses what I feel inside.

So long I have lived by my own set of rules, which were crafted from my own experiences. The basis for these rules were simple - "Don't do on to others what I wish to not be done on to me." And after awhile, you realize that it gets tough and people make mistakes. Emotions cloud judgment. And nothing is forever. At the end of the day, the only person you find yourself trusting and depending on is yourself.

What could be more sexy...

than the combination of strong and feminine?

13 Most Beautiful

Friday evening, and I spent one and a half hours of it in NYC sitting in a theatre located on the intersection of Broad and South in Philadelphia.
Set against the backdrop of 13 screen test videos shot by Andy Warhol, Dean and Britta (of Luna fame) performed inspired compositions and covers of familiars (e.g., Bob Dylan, Velvet Underground). Each song more riveting from the one before. Yet, the most enchanting aspect of the entire performance were the screen tests of the individual(s) themselves. Warhol filmed each screen test at 16 frames a second (as opposed to the usual 24 frames a second) allowing for him to capture even the slightest twitch, shiver, swallow that often is so subtle to the human eye (or the MTV-generation attention span) that it goes unnoticed and forgotten - the subtleties of human emotion and personality. Mary Woronov says it best in her book - "You would see the person fighting with his/her image - trying to protect it. You can project your image for a few seconds, but after that it slips and your real self will starte to show through. [...] You saw the person and the image." Indeed, altogether at once, you see the layers of the person as they sit in front of the camera for all the 4 minutes of film Warhol had to his disposal. And all of that to a brilliant soundtrack (not forgetting to mention the little autobiographical snippets of the 13 most beautiful that Dean and Britta cared to share with the audience). For just one and half hours, I was transported back to NYC, to a moment in time - lost.

Alicia Keys

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
state of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

- Superwoman-

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

- If I ain't got you - 

Being in Nature within an Icebox

Last evening, my friend MD invited me to join her for a dance performance entitled, "Postcards from the Woods." It was a beautiful performance with four dancers moving their bodies subtly and deliberately with respect to a 20 foot branch they were handling throughout the 55 minutes of the show. It was rather difficult to focus one's attention on all four performers, but when they all came together, the atmosphere became intense particularly between two performers who had to remain aware and negotiate both their own bodies/branches as well as the other's at the same time. The choreography was done to a backdrop of forest scenes and natural sounds, which for a moment, one felt actually transported from the bare factory space to the real outdoors. In fact, the few times I found my attention wander from the dance, I caught myself being lost feeling as though I was actually within a woodland landscape; I was amazed that even though my sense of hearing and sight were the only senses engaged, I started to feel as though the breeze was on my skin and I could smell the trees and rushing water of a stream nearby. Even the performers, as human as they were, felt transformed to woodland nymphs or became an ethereal part of the landscape. Thank you MD - for a wonderful experience and the opportunity to find with you a blossoming friendship. 

Unconditional Love...

When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’

This article could not have come at a better time.

"temper brings your trouble, pride keeps your there

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way... that is not easy. - Aristotle-

I know the feeling of anger only too well. I know how it feels in my body. I know how it makes me think. I know how it makes me consider the world around me. I know how it can take over any sense in myself. I say harsh words. I do harsh things. Even to the people I care the most deeply about, I am left watching the hurt erupt in their eyes only to feel very guilty after (guilt being anger driven inward, naturally).

So, while I am able to acknowledge that I feel angry, I have also learned that I do not need to react from that angry place. And while it is important, at times, for me to communicate my anger, I rather do so in a manner that is constructive and will do the least amount of damage of which I believe I am capable. Please understand what it is I am saying. One should take the moment to evaluate a situation such that one can find oneself in a position not to feel angry - for example, be compassionate towards the one who is causing you to be angry and try to understand where he or she is coming from such that you feel not anger but a sense of empathy for that person. I also try my best to pay attention to the reason why I may have angered the person, and do my best to validate those emotions and acknowledge my mistake if there was any - in other words, I am practicing not becoming defensive (another reaction where anger can quickly rise within me).

However, when one does feel angry, one needs to acknowledge it. For me, it depends on the level of anger that I experience. When my anger is still something I can communicate in a healthy manner (i.e. with kind and patient words), I do so and try my best to explain rationally what I believe to be the source of that anger I am aware that I experience within me. However, when I find that my body is becoming overwhelmed with anger, I immediately excuse myself out of the situation and stay patient so as not to say or do anything I may later regret (e.g., hurt the other person verbally usually). Then, I take the time to sit with it and evaluate it. Once I am calm from the anger, I will address it as and when I find it necessary.

1. Admit you are angry to yourself. (You do not have to admit it to anyone else, just yourself)

2. Examine what it is that makes your angry (Note: It is within your mind, within you)
- Anger challenges us to look deeply within ourselves; to learn our fears and buttons
- Most anger is self-defensive

3. Do not hang onto the anger

4. Let go of anger with patience - patience for yourself and the other person

5. Don't feed the anger
“When you express your anger you think that you are getting anger out of your system, but that's not true,” he said. “When you express your anger, either verbally or with physical violence, you are feeding the seed of anger, and it becomes stronger in you.” Only understanding and compassion can neutralize anger. - Thich Nhat Hanh -

6. Compassion takes courage.
- Sometimes we confuse aggression with strength and non-action with weakness
- Giving in to the impulses of anger, allowing anger to hook us and jerk us around, is weakness. - On the other hand, it takes strength to acknowledge the fear and selfishness in which our anger usually is rooted. It also takes discipline to meditate in the flames of anger.

“Conquer anger by non-anger. Conquer evil by good. Conquer miserliness by liberality. Conquer a liar by truthfulness.” (Dhammapada, v. 233)" - Buddha-

Breathe

With every waking breath I breathe
I see what life has dealt to me
With every sadness I deny
I feel a chance inside me die

Give me a taste of something new
To touch to hold to pull me through
Send me a guiding light that shines
Across this darkened life of mine

Breathe some soul in me
Breathe your gift of love to me
Breathe life to lay fore me
Breathe to make me breathe

For every man who built a home
A paper promise for his own
He fights against an open flow
Of lies and failures, we all know

To those who have and who have not
How can you live with what you¹ve got?
Give me a touch of something sure

I could be happy evermore

Breathe some soul in me
Breathe your gift of love to me
Breathe life to lay fore me
To see to make me breathe

Breathe your honesty
Breathe your innocence to me
Breathe your word and set me free
Breathe to make me breathe

This life prepares the strangest things
The dreams we dream of what life brings
The highest highs can turn around
To sow love¹s seeds on stony ground

Breathe
Breathe

Breathe some soul in me
Breathe your gift of love to me
Breathe life to lay fore me
To see to make me breathe

Breathe your honesty
Breathe your innocence to me
Breathe your word and set me free
Breathe to make me breathe

Listen

Listen


When I ask you to listen to me, and you start to give advice you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to I listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to I listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen. All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap; two cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of-understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people because God is mute and he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things-God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So, please -Listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I listen to you.

Anonymous

* * * * * * * * * *

I came across this poem a long time ago. It struck a chord with me. I try to practise it as much as I can, but I know I forget at times. Forgive me, if I have towards you forgotten to listen...

Serenity

So, to be honest, I am not a believer of GOD.
But, I am not an atheist either.
I was brought up more by philosophies of living, then theologies.
However, this prayer has more truth than most that I have come across.
One must remember, it is not of GOD that we are asking, but of ourselves.
To find within ourselves these qualities...
I wish you all the best.

Blessed Be.


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

September 11.

Written Year 2004. September 11th has passed. For the third time. Two beams of light shine into the sky, seemingly endless, reaching the "heavens". Yet, they are mere shadows of the buildings that stood in its place, the buildings they have come to represent. I remember my first year in New York City. My friend and I decided we could walk it, from the Lower East Side (LES) down to the Tribeca / Financial District. I even remember the boots I wore, poor choice of shoes for such a hike. Our goal was the bright light that guided our way (a terrestrial north star) - it sat on top of the Woolworth Building, once the tallest building. We stopped at the World Trade Center, pressing our palms to the wall signalling the end. We would go no further, our destination reached. Now, when I make that same hike...walking in the footsteps of yesteryear, it's not the same. It's like my mind is playing tricks on me - that building you reached was never one of the towers. Your building still stands, not rubble to the eye. Only thing different is the choice of footwear. Was it the sight of the planes going into / already in the tower...or the repeat viewing of it on television? Was it the sight of the tower crumbling, slowly at first...or simply being stunned amongst the many others on the street? Was it the rumbling of the ground beneath your feet, no matter how far you were...the proverbial shaking of the earth? All the senses bombarded, but yet there was silence. I remember the silence. For all things around me had to be silent, that I heard so clearly in my head my own voice crying out. It cried out... Today, when anyone asks..."Were you there?" I know they mean that day. And I am reminded again... "sakit hati". I am reminded again of those voices that cried out. People may forget, but I never will. For it was those voices, that instilled in me... a sense of life. A reality, that life is short and truly only little matters in life. A sense of good. A sense of love. A sense of joy. So, I say to all those who ask... "Were you there?"... "Yes. live good. love full. seek joy." And for all that has been lost, know that much has been found. For one must first lose to find. And one thing I have found is that never, if it is in your power, to let them feel such a loss as you have.

Temperament, Personality & Family

Oh baby baby it's a wild world,

it's hard to get by just upon a smile.

Oh baby baby it's a wild world.

I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,

and it's breaking my heart in two,

cause I never want to see you sad girl,

don't be a bad girl,

but if you want to leave take good care,

hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,

but just remember there's a lot of bad and beware,beware,

- Wild World; Cat Stevens-

Another day, another reflection in the mirror. This time I understood my personality just a little better as I listened to someone explain to me her sense of independence, diplomacy and desire to be non-confrontational.

She grew up in a household known for its conflict. Before she knew it, she was playing "family diplomat" managing disagreements between her parents, her parents with her siblings, and her siblings. Busy trying to placate everyone's needs, and keeping the calm in the house, her voice was (from her perspective - and, therefore mine) the least heard. Another facet she developed was the ability to practice being non-judgmental. She very quickly learned she had to fend for herself, and that if there was one person to rely on, it would probably be herself. Now, it's very hard for her to ask for assistance. She will persevere to get things done the best way she knows how - her way, and only when she is aware that she can no longer do it on her own does she seek assistance, which she does only of people she trust. That list is not very long.

I spoke with my mother yesteday, and we reminisced about my childhood - how I was a good and friendly child. She mused about how I was never shy and I would always go to the assist of other children in the class when I was done with my work much to chagrin of my teachers who rather I just stayed put. It was not until after the age of 9 that I became a little more sullen and withdrawn, qualities my mother attributes to a teacher who taught me the next 4 years. According to my mother, this teacher made it a point to "teach me a lesson" about being a "good student."

Thus, I rebelled early as a child (aged 9) and very quickly lost interest in my education. Suddenly, life was about being on the streets where you learn quickly that you only had oneself to rely on and your success was dependent on your ability to make the right friends. I developed a quick sense on who to trust and who was real - I also quickly developed a distaste for people who were rather pretentious. Social norms were not for me and I operated on the principle of complete honesty. Starting at age 9, it takes awhile to realize that certain actions do not lend themselves to making friends and straight-forward honesty is definitely one of them especially when it comes in the form of cut and dry humour (most people know it by the term sarcasm).

Yet, I still managed to make friends - most of them outcastes in one shape or another. And it were these friends that demonstrated to me the most important quality of all - acceptance. Over time and with patience, I came to see we are all alike - we are all good at heart. We all had the same needs - the primary being to be understood and accepted simply for who we were as people. I learned that the best way to see this was simply by listening, and as I listened more, I came to understand that my rebellion was a farce (definition: foolish show; mockery; a ridiculous sham). All I wanted was to be heard, supported, understood and loved. And assuming I was not, I made it out that I was a tough cookie - a rebel (without a cause).

When the Day is Done...

When the day is done and there is no where to go,
what else is there to do but to sit and take it slow?

Having a productive day today. Am recollecting an earlier conversation with my friend NF where I was telling her my plans for the week ahead as well as for the following week. I am certainly keeping myself busy. And, I wonder if this is a good thing for me - keeping busy. Aside from research, the clinic, workshops and the numerous outings with friends, there is quiet. Even the briefest moments of quiet can chill the warmest of hearts. The quiet almost permits my mind to ask the question, "Am I good person?"

And then... I have a conversation with an old friend (UDM) where I am told:
UDM: you knw what i like abt u;
UDM: i spill my guts, tell u exactly whats goin on in my head
UDM: n u accept everything abt me.

Update: September 20, 2009.

I was reading my meditation journal and I came across this line - When I stop trying to make a "label" for myself, I will be able to accept myself as I AM (whoever that may be).

Happy Birthday... to my Mom!

Happy Birthday to my Mom!

55 years old, 28 years with me being a part of them!

An Argument Worth Having

An Argument Worth Having [New York Times, September 08, 2009]

Debates, arguments, opinions... 

Whatever you want to call it, I always believed that the way to "win" is to know the viewpoint you are presenting and defending. The assurance that comes with one's defense is with the knowledge of as many viewpoints as possible. Because, let's face it, we do not know everything. Yet, we are responsible to inform ourselves as much as possible. In other words, don't start an argument on a topic about which you know next to nothing. Or, for that matter, initiate a discussion... but keep in mind (be aware) the limits of your knowledge. 

New York, New York

It has been too long NYC that I have been away. 

This weekend was particularly meaningful for me. I spent the weekend in the company of good friends, both old and new. It was a comfort to know that I was immediately welcomed with open arms, and invited to participate in social events this long weekend without having to even to ask for the company. It re-kindled in me the knowledge that I am cared for, and that my company is appreciated. [You would think that I should be aware of this, but I have come to the realization that it does not hurt to be appreciative of every instance that re-instills in one such a sense of belonging]. 

Friday evening I had the pleasure of a comforting Indian dinner at a restaurant where the waiter knew better then to question me (again) about my heritage and upbringing (sighs). After a brief session catching up with our individual situations, PW and I sat down to watch "The Watchmen" on blu-ray. I kept PW entertained with my karoke rendition of every song that made up the soundtrack of the movie [Author's Note: This must be one movie where I knew EVERY song]. Falling asleep circa 3:00 am, I woke close to 9:00 am the next morning. PW made me a cup of spiced tea and we chatted more about what ails me. Unfortunately, spice tea is NOT coffee. So, we headed out for a can of Starbucks espresso & cream and I was given a tour of the ever changing neighborhood that is Crown Heights, Brooklyn. A tour, at the end of which, I was telling PW that should I return to NYC I was moving into that neighborhood. More conversational back-and-forth and soon it was time for a shower and my departure from Brooklyn to Queens. Taking the 4 to Grand Central with a transfer onto the 7, I was soon in Queens. My friend MB lives in a very nice, quaint 2-bedroom house/apartment with a backyard where LM and their friend DS were preparing the BBQ. Several hours, alcohol and random conversations, I made two new friends. Before I knew it, it was 8:45 pm. I was not making my 9:00 pm bus back to Philadelphia, nor did I honestly want to return. NYC was home. I stayed the night helping MB and LM clear up the evidence of the BBQ, and went to bed in MB's room-mate's very comfortable bed at midnight. Again, I woke up at 7:30 am but stayed in bed until 9:30 am [Author's Note: If you sense the ire in these statements regarding my waking times, it's because I do not know if I am necessarily rested but I wake regardless]. Walking out of the room, I was greeted by a hungry LM and proceeded to the kitchen to help MB finish cleaning up and putting away the dishes, etc. Come 11:00 am, we were out sitting in the garden of a quaint bistro having Brunch. Good conversation and many cups of coffee later, I am now sitting in another cafe with LM writing this entry. Yes, I sit here not wanting to return to Philadelphia. Yes, I sit here hoping that I can simply stay in NYC and call it home. Yet, I know, I will be back. And when I return, it will welcome me with open arms. 

[Previously Posted August 17, 2008]

Where are you from? 
A question to which I never really know how to answer at times. 
Where is home for you?
An even more complex question; the difficulty for which may explain that I have for the first question. 

I have since learned that home is with you always. 
And, one can learn to makes home anew each place one visits where one remains long enough for the dust to settle.

Yet, no residence has placed such an imprint on my concept of home as New York City.

[...]

Yet, it was only recently that I realize how truly a "New Yorker" I am, and how I identify it as home... 

[...]

The book was company enough, and for once, I felt single but not alone. In this city, where many a stranger complain of being alone amongst a crowd, I felt different. I felt I was home. 

Ryan Adam's New York New York - Shot September 7th, 2001

Subash's Review of "The Watchmen"

In My Time of Need

Will you comfort me in my time of need
Can you take away the pain of a hurtful deeds
Cause when we need it most there's no rain at all

And the dust just settles right there on the feed
Will you say to me a little rains gonna come
When the sky cant offer none to me
Cause I will come for you
When my days are through

And Ill let your smile just off and carry me
Cause when the calm comes down
I take the truck on into town
And buy whatever we cant seem to grow
I work these hands to bleed cause I got mouths to feed

And I got 15 dollars hid above the stove
Will you say to me a little rains gonna come
When the sky cant offer none to me
Cause I will come for you
When my days are through

And Ill let your smile just off and carry me
Cause it ain't like it was on back in those days
When everyone would offer up a hand
These old bones are worn
I've grown tired some

And I know my time is surely gonna come
Will you comfort me in my time of need
Can you take away the pain of hurtful deeds
Cause I will comfort you when my days are through

And Ill let your smile just off and carry me
Lord we married young and stayed where we came from
And gave those children everything we had
Will you stay with me in my time of need

Though it seems we had such little time for us
Will you say to me a little rains gonna come
When the sky cant offer none to me
Cause I will come for you
When my days are through

And Ill let your smile just off and carry me

***

'twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood
When blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

And if I pass this way again, you can rest assured
I'll always do my best for her, on that I give my word
In a world of steel-eyed death, and men who are fighting to be warm.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved.
Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I was burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail,
Poisoned in the bushes and blown out on the trail,
Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Suddenly I turned around and she was standin' there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair.
She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Now there's a wall between us, somethin' there's been lost
I took too much for granted, got my signals crossed.
Just to think that it all began on a long-forgotten morn.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Well, the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount
But nothing really matters much, it's doom alone that counts
And the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I've heard newborn babies wailin' like a mournin' dove
And old men with broken teeth stranded without love.
Do I understand your question, man, is it hopeless and forlorn?
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

In a little hilltop village, they gambled for my clothes
I bargained for salvation an' they gave me a lethal dose.
I offered up my innocence and got repaid with scorn.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Well, I'm livin' in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge, someday I'll make it mine.
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born.
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm."

as the Constellations reveal themselves one Star at a time

There is something to be learned from each and every encounter
Be that an encounter with an old friend or a new stranger
Sometimes we learn from the people who turn to us to teach them
And it never hurts to pay attention as we construct a lesson
A lesson for another is always one we should be willing to heed
Otherwise... well some would call that hypocrisy
However, we all know it's easier to share a prescription than to follow it
Yet, how can we expect another to heed when we cannot, by example, lead?
The true teacher has always been, and always will be, experience.

For what can be more wonderful than to see the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time...

As the stars, so are the truths that reveal themselves an encounter at a time...

Some Old Posts - Old Thoughts - To Keep in Mind

October 29, 2008

One time,
someone could tell me I was wrong, and I would be defensive..
I would be hurt,
even demonstrate passive aggression...
But now,
I would like to meet that person, shake his or her hand...
nod and say thank you,
explain my position, accept my wrong-doing, and make the choice
change or not?
Hopefully,
that person and I
will move on together...because a true friend speaks
praise and offer encouragement with change

October 15, 2008

I learned my first lesson today with regards to love.
Trust your instincts.
I have learned that sometimes we get carried away with feelings,
good feelings that arise not necessarily from within,
but are contracted from the outside...
A more concrete example is believing your like someone, when simply the good feelings come from the wonder that it is to be liked by that someone.
For me, it amazes me how it can cloud and overwhelm.
Though, when the mist clears, I quickly come to realize the distinct sense that you can like a person but it does not necessarily mean anything more than that.

September 08, 2008

They took down three trees in my backyard,
Leaving me to cry.
Tonight, I was left standing,
With plans gone awry.
Yet, as I seat on my porch tonight,
A possum walks by.
It stops,
And we look each other in the eye.

Who is to say
....what a silver lining will look like
But when it reveals itself

August 29, 2008

Question: What do you when you meet someone, & you seem to be looking into a mirror?
Answer: You make that person your friend.

While it is scary to admit to yourself that staring at you may not necessarily be all the things you like about yourself, you cannot deny that there are strengths within that person you can also call your own.

Sometimes, we are so afraid to be confronted by that which fears us, we lose sight of those aspects we should be proud to display.

August 23, 2008

Sometimes,
Very little needs to be said.
Other times,
Only words can make it real.

People say
You can tell in a touch,
even in a look...
But is it your imagination
making you out to be a fool

Yet,
even words can be empty
actions supposedly
are louder...

Tell me then
In a whisper
....how is it you feel

August 21, 2009

Today,
I was asked, "With whom are you the least anxious?"
and
I answered, "Members of my family"
and
I MEANT it.

There was no thought to it, no hesitation, no pause.
Today, I can say...
I feel the least anxious with members of my family.

And,
I am happy.

August 18, 2008

Today, I chanced upon a discovery.

Something that all at once made my heart a-flutter and brought a tear to my eye.

Listening to Miles Davis' Flamenco Sketches (a favorite jazz piece), I could not help but suddenly recognize the piano piece that provides the foundation... another beautiful jazz piece I was introduced to not long ago.

And I sat.
And I listened to it again.
And I teared.
For it brought to mind many a joyous memory.
And I smiled.

August 12, 2008

A long time ago, someone dedicated the song "Something in The Way She Moves" by James Taylor to me.
I still hold it dear to my heart, as a memory of that individual and the knowledge that I am capable of being such a person to someone else in this world.
Many a person has walked into my life since that individual, and have hold varying opinions of me and my role in their life. I can only hope they have all been positive interactions. And if they should not be so, then I can only apologize to them and forgive myself.

August 11, 2008

Came across an interesting and well-written piece on Charles Van Doren by Stanley Fish, and was particularly impressed with a comment left by M. Levine.

http://fish.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/08/10/none-of-the-answers/index.html?ref=opinion

We all make errors.
When one is exposed,
it’s only thru honest contrition and
self analysis that we can truly examine
our motivation. This realization is most
important if we are to mature.
When we succeed we become a proper
example to follow.

According to Mr Fish
Van Doren has not succeeded.
If so, tis a shame

— Posted by M Levine

August 02, 2008

You need to just not say what is on your mind
And not expect too much from yourself or others

Forgiveness

I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said youd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
Theres a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
Theyre the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesnt keep me warm
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore
There are people in your life whove come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; itll eat you up inside, baby
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So Im thinkin about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you dont love me anymore
...

Sometimes She Cries

[Previously posted November 02, 2008]

To every side of the story...

I remember growing up confused.
What was right and what was wrong.
Who to trust and who not to.
Friends? Enemies?
You never knew what was the thing to say...
the thing to do
nothing you ever did was good enough.
The backhanded compliments, the false pretences.

All I know is I am trying my best.
To make sense.
My actions may not necessarily be the right ones, but they make sense to me.
They do not need to make sense to anyone else.
And that's what I keep telling myself.


Now I realize that my actions need to make sense.
My thoughts, speech and actions need to make sense to the other person.
I need to make the effort to be as clear and direct as I am able to be.
While I know that no matter now much I may try to be clear and it is not in my control how the person may interpret or perceive my words/actions (thank you GFB), I need to know that I did my best in being as clear as I can be.
There is nothing wrong with being clear or direct. I need to not assume that the other person can read my mind (mind-reading) or that I can read that person's mind (which I know I cannot do).
I recognize that I made the same (similar) mistakes that the other person has made towards me.

Naïve

Sometimes, other people teach me real life lessons - they offer me a window into their world from which I learn about myself simply through listening as I navigate their reality with them. Today's example was particularly poignant to me. It was a story about communication - how two people can communicate and have very different needs. This individual was in great pain wondering if she had tried everything possible. The truth is - she has done as much as was possible for her - and that's okay. It does not mean that things will resolve because you have tried everything. It simply means there is nothing else left to try. It does not mean anything less of the individual; it simply states that those two people are different. Nothing naïve or simple-minded about it.

The (Wo)Man in the Mirror - Reveals One's Heart

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." - Beyond Good and Evil, Friedrich Nietzsche -

Finally, a calm has settled over me. As I reviewed a conversation, I have come to realize that no one needs to be at fault (more importantly, I do not need to fault or blame myself).

[Courtesy of everyone's favorite resource: Wikipedia - Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability (Vulnerability is the susceptibility to physical or emotional injury or attack. It also means to have one's guard down, open to censure or criticism; assailable. Vulnerability refers to a person's state of being liable to succumb) and reciprocity.]

The facts that I have to admit to myself with regards to intimacy:

Dialogue - I am very open to honest dialogue. I also enjoy talking about anything really...
Transparency - I've been told I'm the most straightforward, to-the-point person. Ask, and you shall receive. Even if you do not ask, I will not "b-s" you. However, a need to appear strong when one is not necessarily that strong, I have learned is also necessary - I am no "damsel in distress".
Vulnerability - For me, vulnerability comes with trust. I do not trust readily, but when I do, I do so completely.
Reciprocity - I ensure the other person knows that I am appreciative of all that they have done for me and I do my best to be there for the other person whenever it is possible.

***

[Wikipedia AGAIN:
From a centre of self knowledge and self differentiation intimate behaviour joins family, close friends as well as those with whom one is in love. It evolves through reciprocal self-disclosure and candour. Poor skills in developing of intimacy can lead to getting too close too quickly; struggling to find the boundary and to sustain connection; being poorly skilled as a friend, rejecting self-disclosure or even rejecting friendships and those who have them.

Scholars distinguish between different forms of intimacy, principally: emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy, particularly in sexual relationships, typically develops after physical bonds have been established. 'Falling in love', however, has both a biochemical dimension, driven through reactions in the body stimulated by sexual attraction (PEA), and a social dimension driven by 'talk' that follows from regular physical closeness and/or sexual union.]

Beautiful Music - Elgar's Cello Concerto

Hot N Cold

I woke up to this song at 7:00am this morning.

Katy Perry's Hot 'N' Cold

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Cryptically

I should know
That you're no good for me

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes, then you're no
You're in, then you're out
You're up, then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(But you) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot, then you're cold
You're yes, then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
Down, down, down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down...

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now your plain boring
I should know that
You're not gonna change

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes, then you're no
You're in, then you're out
You're up, then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(But you) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot, then you're cold
You're yes, then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes, then you're no
You're in, then you're out
You're up, then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You're yes, then you're no
You're in, then you're out
You're up, then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(But you) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot, then you're cold
You're yes, then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down