Open, Honest & True

Difficult moments in life present themselves with the opportunity to step back and appreciate the things that make life all worthwhile:-

1. love from those near and dear
2. friendships that step up and stand behind you
3. words of wisdom and insight from the ones your respect and hold in esteem
4. a sense of self that is unshaken at its very foundation

These past few days were difficult for me. I had to confront a few truths - some not very pleasant ones.

The first truth is that I am by nature a person who needs to love and be loved. I need to surround myself with those people I hold dear. I realize I gain strength from being able to be present for the ones I love, and am slowly learning to let them be there to love me. I miss my family and my loved ones. My recent trip home made me realize how loved I am.

The second truth is that being true to myself and not compromising does not guarantee that I will be appreciated for who I am (or rather receive the fruits reflecting such appreciation). I did not match to an internship program. Truth be told - I was not upset. I took this to imply only one thing - neither of those sites would be the appropriate internship site for me. Furthermore, I had concluded that not matching at either of these programs would mean that I would return home and be in the company of my loved ones. Life and its career path for me simply required adjustment of expectations - when taken in perspective of what is truly important in life is not a difficult task at all.

The third truth is that there always many paths in life, and one has to be very clear when making decisions regarding the path she chooses to take. For it is a choice. I was left to decide whether to accept that I will return simply on that truth, or take another gamble by applying to internship sites that announced vacant positions. Still, it was not certain that I would obtain a position at one of these sites. Discussions with loved ones, who only had my best interests on their minds, convinced me that all gambles are worthwhile if only to avoid the difficulties that would be certain for not taking them. Specifically, the gamble of doing the internship to receive APA certification. APA certification implies that I am a graduate of the clinical program and immediately establishes worldwide recognition for the clinical training I have received the previous 5 years.

The fourth truth, and perhaps the hardest truth, is the only way to be certain is to accept uncertainty. So often, I have lived in fear. Uncertain of situation as they present themselves, I fear my actions would make bad a good situation, and make worse a bad situation. I am only beginning to appreciate that there is no such thing as certainty - only the illusion of it. I am also beginning to realize that fear only removes me of my conviction. I am not certain of my future - I can only experience the present for what it is in that moment. I am reminding myself to live one day at a time, and not succumb to the fear that arises - simply to face it and move on.

To be open, honest and true - I know what it is today that I want for myself. It is a simple life that allows me to be with those I love, and do the work that brings meaning both myself and others. While the first clause is simple to meet, the second remain an open question for there are many vocations that exist that can fulfill such criteria. It includes teaching, social work, counseling, administrative work in a non-profit organization... etc.

futher commentary possible... stay tuned.