When I speak of not feeling human, I do not think I am not human like others. I know very much for a fact that I am human complete with human thoughts, emotions, etc. However, I feel disconnected from the other humans. The reason for this disconnect is because (for whatever reason) I recognize that much of the way I see, think, feel, perceive the world is very different from how people tell me I should see, think, feel or perceive. The people I refer to are those who brought me up - parents, family, teachers, peers. That's how I do not feel "human."
In my bid to feel connected, to understand, I have tried on many skins and held many personas. Only to realize, that I am none of those things. I am me.
What you are seeing is my self coming to fruition - I am only starting to see who I truly am and accept myself that way. For example, I find wonder in the smallest things, and rather be laughing than frowning. In fact, there is so much I have come to realize in my 28 years that I have come to understand is UNIQUE about me (everyone has a little piece, but what makes it unique is the combination of all those different little pieces that makes me - ME). In the same, I find people curious - I love to "see' all those different little pieces that make them uniquely who they are - each and everyone.
As a young person (since I was 8, I believe), I wanted to get away from it all. I wanted the space to think independently about who I am and what my path was about. There were a lot of perplexing questions - and I was always one with an open and curious mind, always wanting and willing to learn from myself and from others. I find and recognize that how I see the world and how I live in it is a product of my mind. It is those perspectives that make me think and feel what I do. And the questions that I ask come from my heart, my life and the experiences within it. Each question will lead to an answer, which leads only to another question. Believe me, this does not trouble me. Perhaps, the answer at the end of this path is "42." I am not distressed by this - I enjoy this journey, in fact.
I have always had an open, inquisitive, and somewhat skeptical mind about things that present themselves to me. I examine it with reason (sometimes in meditation) and put it to test in my life. And as I gain insight into my mind, I recognize how to deal with my day-to-day experiences of thoughts and emotions. I uncover inaccurate and unhelpful habits of thinking and begin to correct them.
I cannot escape having a "philosophy of life" because I know it guides my thoughts, feelings and ultimately my actions - kindness/indifference; generosity/selfishness; patience/blame... etc.
I do not simply want to accept things without having examined it - but after having examined it, I find that there is no answer, I know I am satisfied. I know this because I have experienced this, and am perfectly comfortable not knowing.
[The following revolves around astrology, but I cannot help but see the resemblance to what I am trying to communicate]
Fixed Air & Mutable Water this is perhaps the strangest combination. Both of these signs are unconventional as far as society is concerned. They seem to know things other people don’t know. Aquarius desire to know with Pisces intuition could be very helpful. However, they aren’t on the same wave length. It takes some objective observation to make this unusual combination fit. Society is no help when it comes to putting it together. Pisces belongs to the mystics while Aquarius belongs to the scientist. Of course, no one fits this pattern exactly.
Both must find a part of society in which they feel most comfortable. Those dealing with this cusp of qualities in one chart must find a unique way to blend these two abilities on their own. Most of you will be rather silent about what you are able to recognize since you realize very early that no one else recognizes things as they appear to be to you. If you worry too much about other people, you may put so much pressure on yourself to fit in that you distort the best of what you have. If you are able to deal with the difference you recognize between you and the society in which you find yourself, it is possible for you to develop some real genius qualities. It will be up to you to recognize these differences and not try too hard to get the recognition you would like to have to help you develop your ideas. If you have enough control without looking weird, you will be able to learn something from everyone, even if they understand very little, if anything, about the way you see your world. Psychic phenomena is natural to you. If society laughs at this too early in your life, you will shut it off and deny you ever saw anything. You will learn very soon that others don’t see what you see. You will have to decide whether you can find a safe way to be yourself or if it would be safer to try to be more like everyone else. Singers, actors, authors, and that in-between group which cannot be classified are able to do a good job with this cusp.
[The following revolves around astrology, but I cannot help but see the resemblance to what I am trying to communicate]
Fixed Air & Mutable Water this is perhaps the strangest combination. Both of these signs are unconventional as far as society is concerned. They seem to know things other people don’t know. Aquarius desire to know with Pisces intuition could be very helpful. However, they aren’t on the same wave length. It takes some objective observation to make this unusual combination fit. Society is no help when it comes to putting it together. Pisces belongs to the mystics while Aquarius belongs to the scientist. Of course, no one fits this pattern exactly.
Both must find a part of society in which they feel most comfortable. Those dealing with this cusp of qualities in one chart must find a unique way to blend these two abilities on their own. Most of you will be rather silent about what you are able to recognize since you realize very early that no one else recognizes things as they appear to be to you. If you worry too much about other people, you may put so much pressure on yourself to fit in that you distort the best of what you have. If you are able to deal with the difference you recognize between you and the society in which you find yourself, it is possible for you to develop some real genius qualities. It will be up to you to recognize these differences and not try too hard to get the recognition you would like to have to help you develop your ideas. If you have enough control without looking weird, you will be able to learn something from everyone, even if they understand very little, if anything, about the way you see your world. Psychic phenomena is natural to you. If society laughs at this too early in your life, you will shut it off and deny you ever saw anything. You will learn very soon that others don’t see what you see. You will have to decide whether you can find a safe way to be yourself or if it would be safer to try to be more like everyone else. Singers, actors, authors, and that in-between group which cannot be classified are able to do a good job with this cusp.
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