Say a prayer for me
Help me to feel the strength I did
My Identity
Has it been taken
Is my heart breaking on me


These past few days... something has been amiss with me, and I could not put a finger on it
But a conversation with a "twin" - it helped me realize exactly what it was
A part of me that I have not been in touch with for a long time - a part that I know exists, and may never leave me
It is a reminder that I lead my own life, and how I perceive it - well it's my own head ... 
I have always needed something that makes it feel its all worthwhile 
And sitting here, alone, writing this... I cannot believe I am here
Right now

The Crimson Tide

The other day, the girls and I were talking about something we all have in common...

Every month - we all suffer - yes... for a few days, we all become some form of "crazy"

For me, I am only NOW beginning to realize how needy I feel around this time -

I want to be comforted, cared about, loved... I cannot describe how this needs to be or what one would have to do to not make me a cranky 2-year old

All I know is that it sucks.

Gratitude

I am grateful. I am loved.

I believe I can achieve anything I put my mind towards achieving.

I will complete my dissertation, and defend it to graduate with my PhD.

I will get approval to sit for the clinical licensing exam, take it and be awarded my clinical license to practice.

I will find a home that will be comfortable for my loved ones, and their loved ones.

I will find a job, not immediately, but one that will have me use my talents towards helping others for that is what makes me happy.

I will... because I know I can.

Not Writing

How sad that I have not written much for months...

How sad that I forget having this outlet...

How sad, how sad, how sad

Done crying - wiped my tears - moving on...

I am just going to start writing - at random - thoughts, feelings, observations again... not needing to be pithy, witty or caring about being intimidating

Take it or leave it - if you like it, you do; if you do not like it, you don't.

Intimidating

one week, three instances

Intimidating

no one wants to be intimidating - at least, not I

the ingredients for this recipe apparently are
confidence
competence
intelligence
attractiveness

toss that salad and sprinkle on a dressing of another person's perspective

the truth is, when I eat it

the taste is familiar - it is true

I am intimidating

but not for lack of trying to be anything but

and the more I try to escape this notion - the more ridiculous I feel I become

I may not say much
Nor have to do much
I only know that it is as much in the power of the other person to approach me
- to be willing to expose themselves
for one to discover who I am

even if it ends up being "intimidating"

Pithy and Witty

Pithy, Witty Puns and Statements
are only food for the avid mind

When tired
they prove nonsensical
a tease
the fun lost

Reflections

A lot has happened.

I have previewed these pages, and the words all still ring true. I believe in these words of mine, but I'll be honest, I have not always been able to put them to practice - I have not always been able to test myself.

I want to make the quick excuse - I am human, and suffer from human frailties. But that's not the truth. The truth is I ask a lot of myself - sometimes, more than I can deliver, and I end up only disappointing myself.

My voice always rings true, but I am not always able to give it strength. My fears do get the better of me. So, here sits the truth...

I am a good person, but more often than not, I see my bad - I tell myself that I do so to know what I need to change, but the reality is that it is scary - it is scary to see my light
I do not want to be held accountable to it, I do not want to always be subject to its standards - for it is a glorious light
The reality is that there is nothing to change - but it would make me feel without purpose, and without that - what is meaning... I feel so lost.

But life is not a dog and pony show. I am not here to perform tricks - to entertain... not even to simply satisfy myself.

Yet, if you were to tell me I was bad, my heart of hearts know its not the TRUTH.

This is pure rambling, at best, but what I really want to say is HEAR ME.

Done Hiding

Anchor

Who is your anchor?

Facing ...

Growing, growing, and growing.
Painful, painful, and painful.

I am beginning to recognize how ... truly truly truly ignorant I am.
Things are happening all around me, and I feel such a bystander.
Do I ever really take a stand on anything?

We talked about neutrality. We talked about silence.
How important it is, yet how destructive it can be.
Sin by omission as oppose to commission.

"Take a stand!" - That's the message I have been hearing today.

I reach out - I leap (eyes closed)

Where am I?

Enough of the abstract... now to the concrete.

I am learning today, of all days, to speak - make my voice heard. Air my grievance. Take a side. Make a choice. No more pussy-footing. What is I really want?

I want to look into the mirror and see what everyone sees.

I shine.

I am this funny, creative, capable individual who makes the best effort to be there for others (sometimes, at the expense of meeting my own needs).

I have my flaws, true, who doesn't - but enough of flaws... for I have the fantastic as well.

People stop talking, turn around and take a moment to give me my space. Anyone will say, I have presence. I come across as self-assured who talks knowledgeably about topics at hand even those that I admit I am not the most familiar. Yet, people welcome my thoughts, my opinions - that I always offer something worthwhile. I am worthwhile.

Yes, this post is a self-aggrandizing one, BUT come on, if I don't do it, WHO will?

And here I stand, pussy-footing around, wanting your attention. Your attention means I'm worthwhile. That is NOT true. It is because I am worthwhile that you want to give me your attention.

For I shine.

What do I LOVE to do?

A colleague of mine posted on her facebook wall: Instead of asking, "What do you want to be?" Ask, "What do you LOVE to do?"

My answer to that would be :-
I LOVE to meet and engage with people, communicate in a manner that enables me to learn about them and, perhaps, connect with them in a real meaningful way. I want that interaction to be the foundation from which I am inspired to ideas that will help them and others like them to be better, feel better, achieve better for themselves.
I LOVE to take an idea, and make it happen - especially, if that idea can benefit others to be inspired to make things happen both for themselves and others.

3 Things I am Grateful For:

1. My Sayang.
2. My close friends - in NYC, Philly, Singapore, and now here in Davis, CA
3. My personal sense of style

Sucker Punch

Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take One day, Old man, Next day, Little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, They can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles. But to whisper from our hearts. Reminding that it's us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create.

You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can't be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.

Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!

In this world, there will be a time that we will come face to face with evil (evil defined loosely - with a face unique to each of us) faced. Sweet Pea, who appears frail and powerless, faces her evils not simply for herself... but for those around her that she seeks to protect - to provide - an end to their exploitation (freedom). I am left asking - am I courageous enough to stand up for the things in this life that are worth defending? Am I willing to stand up-in the face of evil-for the things that are good? Courage - will - determination... to face the truth. When you are willing to shed your complacency you will be more courageous than any hollywood action hero.

All I require from you is a slither of a moment. To have you not by force, but simply as a man and a women. To see in your eye, that simple truth, that you give yourself to me freely. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Now of course, for such a gem, I will give as well. I'm willing to give you freedom. Pure and total freedom. Freedom from the drudgery of everyday life. Freedom as abstract ideal. Freedom from pain. Freedom from responsibility. Freedom from guilt. From regret. Freedom from sadness. Freedom from loss. The freedom to be happy. Don't close your eyes; I need you to look at me. The freedom to love.

http://www.filmonair.com/video/sucker-punch-intro-sweet-dreams

Needs

Sitting on my desk at work is a file organizer. Attach to that file organizer is a sticker. A pleasant purple and white sticker that reads "Family Needs." It lists all the support available in the community to assist an individual (a family) with meeting his/her need(s). They include:-
Food
Clothing
Childcare/Parenting Classes
Health/Dental Care
Housing
Job Training/Employment
"Learn to Read"
Family Violence / Child Abuse
Alcohol, Drug & Mental Health Services
Teen Help
Suicide
Transportation
Emergency

Risk-Taking

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool;
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental;
To reach out for another is to risk involvement;
To expose feelings is to risk exposing true self;
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss;
To love is to risk not being loved in return;
To live is to risk dying;
To hope is to risk despair;
To try is to risk failure;
But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing;
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing;
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live;
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave and has forfeited freedom'
Only a person who risks is free.

I am beginning to appreciate what this year means for me - it is about truly recognizing and appreciating what it means to take risks.

I have fallen in love - and found myself willing to be vulnerable in a way I have never before - it is making me come face-to-face with some cogent aspects of myself.

Risk-taking involves many parts...

1. Action itself:-

• 
  
  Opening yourself to change. It is the accepting of the need for change and it is taking the behavioral steps that will result in that change.


• 
  
  Honest appraisal of a situation in life requiring your action.


• 
  
  Understanding the risks involved in taking such action.


• 
  
  Weighing the pros and cons of taking the action.


• 
  
  Making a choice to take the required action.


• 
  
  Performing the action with full consciousness of the risks, pros and cons and potential outcome.


• 
  
  Accepting the consequences of such action.
  

2. Reactions around the action:-

• 
  
  The ability to ignore your need for other's approval in order to take the most appropriate action for you.


• 
  
  The behavioral process involving the gamble that you may experience rejection from others for the actions you have chosen to take.


• 
  
  Pursuing the required actions despite the fear that it will affect others negatively, resulting in their efforts to make you feel guilty about taking such action.

3. Problem-solving & Conflict resolution:-

• 
  
  Now-oriented action.


• 
  
  Direct confrontation of a problem. It is the absence of procrastination and denial in dealing with a problem.


• 
  
  Responsible action taken to pursue the resolution of a problem.


• 
  
  The effort to be honest with yourself about your part in interpersonal problems, admitting that you have certain personal barriers that prevent the resolution of the problem.


• 
  
  Admitting to the other(s) involved what the barriers are and seeking assistance to address those barriers and resolve the problems.


• 
  
  Committing to become objective in pursuing a rational approach to a problem.


• 
  
  The willingness to identify irrational blocking beliefs, which hinder resolutions.


• 
  
  Opening yourself to be identified as being too subjective, too emotional, too obstructing and too hindering in the resolution of your problem.


• 
  
  The willingness to accept honest, objective feedback about the need for you to change your own behavior.


• 
  
  The effort to be less subjective, less defensive and more open in your search for truth, honesty and sanity in resolving your problem.


• 
  
  The willingness to take a healing, forgiving and forgetting attitude in pursuing the resolution of a conflict.


• 
  
  Opening yourself to be vulnerable, to being taken advantage of by the other in the conflict situation.


• 
  
  Demonstrating your trust in the other person's willingness to accept an honest, open and upfront approach to resolving the conflict.

4. Personal commitment:-

• 
  
  Deciding to make a personal sacrifice of time, energy, ability and knowledge as an investment to better your circumstances.


• 
  
  Hoping your circumstances will improve as a result of your personal sacrifice, but making it anyway.

What I have learn is that risk-taking is considered risk-taking because one does it despite oneself.

These past few weeks, I have seen myself act/behave/think in patterns that I thought were old and long-gone. I am slowly reclaiming myself, and now, find myself more actively challenging these patterns. What are these patterns?

Fear makes me lose my objectivity - it makes me interpret actions and words within a lense of fear. It is a fear I have to conquer from within - to conquer by recognizing that I am who I am, which is a worthwhile person. When vulnerable, I still have to remain clear and secure on this foundation - that vulnerability is about being open to truths and being open about truths.

(to be continued...)

Other People...

Again, sometimes notes fall on your lap (or pop up in your e-mail inbox) just when you need them...


Other people may have their own agenda for our life; we can value their input but we don’t have to take it to heart.


As children, our parents had dreams for us. They wanted us to do well in school, and to do whatever was necessary to reach our highest potential. Later in life, friends may try to set us up with their idea of the perfect partner or the perfect job. People close to us may have ideas about how we should live our lives, ideas that usually come from love and the desire for us to be happy. Other times, they come from a place of need within them—the parent who wants us to live out his or her dreams.

Whatever the case, we can appreciate and consider those people’s input, but ultimately we must follow our own inner guidance.

There may come a time when all the suggestions can become overbearing. We may feel that the people we love don’t approve of our judgment, which can hurt our feelings. It can interfere with the choices we make for our lives by making us doubt ourselves, or filling a void with their wishes before we’ve had a chance to decide what we want. It can affect us energetically as well. We may have to deal with feelings of resistance or the need to shut ourselves off from them.

But we can take some time to rid ourselves of any unnecessary doubts and go within to become clear on what we desire for ourselves.

We can tell our loved ones how much we appreciate their thoughts and ideas, but that we need to live our own lives and make our own decisions. We can explain that they need to let us learn from our own experiences rather than rob us of wonderful life lessons and the opportunity to fine-tune our own judgment. When they see that we are happy with our lives and the path we are taking to reach our goals, they can rest assured that all we need them to do is to share in our joy.


This article already echoes what I have known for very long. What it does not elaborate is that the tasks of standing up for oneself against very overbearing parents is not easy. I have to look deep within myself to recognize the strength I already possess, and the knowledge that I know what is best for me - that I will make mistakes. But for every fall, I am capable and have risen again to take the challenge. It is this knowledge that provides the scaffolding for me to hold myself up and face my parents. I have long known they only mean well - but their love blinds them to the daughter that stands in front of them. Today, I have truly started to mourn the loss of the parents I hope to have (thank you Jennifer). And by accepting my parents for who they are in front of me, I am starting to stand up for myself.

The Real Thing (Written April 19, 2010)

The Real Thing
I must thank my friend CP for introducing me to this website. Today's post was especially relevant to me and what I have been evaluating over the last year. I feel reassured that my thoughts are echoed in this article, and that I am on a path that is meaningful.

The Real Thing
Love Should Feel Good

Love should feel good. Relationships that leave you feeling depleted, sad and making excuses are not based in love.Often in our lives, we fall prey to the idea of a thing rather than actually experiencing the thing itself. We see this at play in our love lives and in the love lives of our friends, our family, and even fictional characters. The conceptualizing, depiction, and pursuit of true love are multimillion-dollar industries in the modern world. However, very little of what is offered actually leads us to an authentic experience of love. Moreover, as we grasp for what we think we want and fail to find it, we may suffer and bring suffering to others. When this is the case, when we suffer more than we feel healed, we can be fairly certain that what we have found is not love but something else. When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it. If we try to make more of it than it is, the romance then becomes painful. Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last. Real love is identifiable by the way it makes us feel. Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part of ourselves that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling us with warmth and light. An authentic experience of love does not ask us to look a certain way, drive a certain car, or have a certain job. It takes us as we are, no changes required. When people truly love us, their love for us awakens our love for ourselves. They remind us that what we seek outside of ourselves is a mirror image of the lover within. In this way, true love never makes us feel needy or lacking or anxious. Instead, true love empowers us with its implicit message that we are, always have been, and always will be, made of love.

Overwhelmed

Slowly

Curling

Inside

Of

Myself

To

Find

My

Place

Of

Calm

Tap

That

Source

Of

Energy

Renewing

My

Sense

Of

Direction

Parents - Asian

Amy Chua is a Wimp

Speaking my Mind

Today marks an important day.

Today, I finally understand what it means to be "beyond my parents."

Today, I accepted and asserted that I am an adult.

True, I have been making such gestures the last few months. Today, however, I felt empowered.

There was very little thought involved. I just went with my instinct. The words that flowed from me were already known to me - they didn't need to be crafted, or reviewed, or (given this site's name) contemplated prior to the actual conversation. I trusted that I was articulating my thoughts, feelings & sentiments for no reason other than it being the truth - the truth that needed to be said. It was no longer about being heard, or finding a voice, or even for there to be changes. I did it simply because I wanted to do it.