The Box [A Rant]

[Why is it when I am asked a question about preferences, it ultimately becomes about genres? Do you like classic rock or post rock? Do you like suspense or gore? Do you like adventure or romance? Are you logic-driven or gut-driven (okay, I concede that this question is not about genres... but I hope you follow where I am going with this)?]


The other night (08/04/09), a friend JF told me that I am "the enigma" among our colleagues. WHY - I had to ask. The answer was simple: I am difficult to categorize. I cannot be put into a box. There is no little label to attach to me. I laughed; my curiosity only more piqued. [This echoed another experience I had with an individual who was attempting to date me [BD] - He happened to mention that I was always surprising him; he told me that once he had put me in one box, I would reveal something about myself that excluded me from being in that box. Note to people trying to date - Do NOT reveal to your "date" that you are trying to categorize them as it is insulting, imho.]



What is the need for one person to put another into some frame of reference? Does it make it easier for that individual to interact with the other? Are we not simply limiting our potential to relate to that person by applying some constraints to their identity, only to later be surprised should they fail to meet the requirements we put onto them?


I, personally, feel that I am constantly evolving as an individual. I always keep myself open to new experiences, and will never settle to limit myself. Of course, there is a core identity around which these new experience circumnavigate. Over time, at my discretion, I may incorporate these new experiences into my core identity. For example, I am a fan of many genres of music (none of which I will attest to being more a fan over the other), and yet I constantly find myself introduced to compositions/songs/bands from this day and before that impress. Another example was when I was asked if I liked Indian Pale Ales; my response was simply, "not currently, but it's really a matter of finding the one IPA that I will appreciate." The response was accepted with laughter, and this delighted me. Finally, I can be simply taken for just being me - no box necessary. I am K!

Intimacy - Yet "On My Own"

The Contemplative Psyche: Angst & Relationships

[Post previously dated 07/27/08]

A discovery on the part of my friend brought upon this revelation:

People do not fear intimacy itself. They fear the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

And I learned that there are 2 forms of fear:
(1) the fear of rejection - of losing the other person
(2) the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself

The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship.

The truth is, I have both fears. Yet, it was when I am standing across the other person and in seeing their fear(s) - both that of rejection and engulfment - that I am beginning to realize the void in me.

To fill that void, thus, it begins with Self-compassion.

Self-compassion involves three components.

• self-kindness - being kind and understanding toward oneself rather than self-critical
  
• common humanity - viewing one’s negative experiences as a normal part of the human condition
  
• mindful acceptance - having mindful equanimity rather than over-identifying with painful thoughts and feelings
  

Taking Each Day As It Comes

This new practice of mine to take each day as it comes, not to over-think things, and to accept each and every moment for what it is... IS WONDERFUL. 

Each day has had its moment. And some days had more than others. 

For example, today I had the company of a playful greyhound who approached me on its morning walk. 

Yet, what about those moments that are not as "wonderful" to have to experience? I find I immediately ask myself to acknowledge the moment and assess what makes it not wonderful (i.e. uncomfortable, difficult, painful, anxiety-provoking). Once aware of the source of my discomfort, I address it. If it is myself being unreasonable (e.g., over-thinking), I nudge myself to stop. If it the actions of another that makes me feel so, I ask myself if I should address it to the attention of the person responsible - taking note of who this individual happens to be. On the other hand, it might require that I nudge myself to accept a more realistic assessment of the situation (and the person) rather then conclude using the one provided to me by my fears/anxieties. And, should it be something outside of my control, I nudge myself to shrug it off. Nudges... are important because this is after all starting as a practice, and it takes time before a practice becomes second nature. 

Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now

A professor of mine (RDR) A professor of mine (RDR) mentioned this singer, and given my trust in my professor's taste in music, I sought out song after song. Then, I found this song. I cannot say whether it is the melody or the lyrics that got to me, but the song got to me. , but the song got to me.

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

On Getting Upset

Last evening, I was introduced to this stanza (pardon me if my reproduction does not do justice)

If you can fix it,

  why be upset?

If you can't fix it,

  what's the point of being upset?

K.

Sacks on Self

"But a mind is not just a collection of talents. One cannot maintain a purely composite or modular view of the mind, as many neurologists and psychologists now do. This removes that general quality of mind -- call it reach or range or size or spaciousness -- that is always instantly recognizable in normal people. It is a capacity that seems to be supramodal, and that shines through whatever particular talents there are. This is what we mean when we say that someone has "a fine mind." A modular view of the mind, no less importantly, also removes the personal center, the self, the "I." Normally there is a cohering and unifying power...that integrates all the separate faculties of mind, integrates them, too, with our experiences and emotions, so that they take on a uniquely personal cast. It is this global or integrating power that allows us to generalize and reflect, to develop subjectivity and a self-conscious self."
- Oliver Sacks, An Anthropologist on Mars, NY 1995 -

Sarcasm

Sarcasm is a form of humor that uses sharp, cutting remarks or language intended to mock, wound, or subject to contempt or ridicule. ["Sarcasm usually requires a quick wit, and the ability to extract the minutest points of weakness in a conversation. So it is quite unlikely that it is the lowest form of humor as some would like to call it. " -http://www.sarcasmsociety.com -]

A dialogue with several friends and family members on the use of sarcasm or the "put-down" revealed that sarcasm in the hands of the right person, without ill-intent, and when directed at a person who can receive the jest is by all means an appropriate way of interaction between two people. More so, there are individuals who believe such repartee or verbal sparring only serves to strengthen the bond between said two people, and is not just a demonstration of one individual's (intellectual?) ability over the other. Yet, the use of sarcasm ("put-down"), as with all humor, requires the appropriate cues, knowledge, timing, and moderation in use. Plus, it helps to know your audience. 

Having grown up in a household known for its use of sarcasm, I came to believe that it was a perfectly appropriate way to connect with others outside my household. Very quickly I learned that I was wrong to hold on this belief. As my wit sharpened and my delivery became faster, even members of my household were quick to stop me or not to let me begin. Even my father began to chastise me with the line "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." Stepping back, I would see how my words could have such a cutting effect, and I would be confused (did they not know my words were without ill-intent?). Very slowly, I had to learn to bite my tongue when a sarcastic turn of phrase popped in my mind; more often than not, I realized I was satisfied with simply pretending I did not "get" the sarcasm. Yet, here I am now - investigating the rules of sarcasm - wondering should I engage in this practice for the purpose of bonding.

Comments I enjoyed from reading the article I cite above: 

The problem with the written word is that with no verbal clues it can sometimes be difficult to tell whether a comment is sincere or sarcastic. Great article, by the way.
Adam, Leicester, UK

People are so sarcastic these days that if someone's not on the ball, they can often get the wrong end of the stick. 
Dan, Bristol

My ex used to think he was the greatest at sarcasm. Unfortunately, most of the time he was just actually being rude to me and couldn't understand why constant, never-ending sarcasm actually felt like abuse a lot of the time. That's why he's my ex.
K, London, UK

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