Mindfulness Meditation - Facing the Truth

Mindfulness meditation. It is advertised as one path to bliss.

On the outset, it is described as training the mind's attentive ability for the experience of that moment(e.g., conversation, environment, etc.). Those who take a mindfulness-based stress management course (usually lasts 6-8 weeks) hope to learn skills to more effectively manage their anxiety and reduce their frustrations with stressors. During those weeks, participants practice attending to the moment. With continue practice, they learn to attend to their actions that enables an awareness of the emotions and thoughts that guide these actions. They learn how these emotions and thoughts can be transitory, and subsequently realize they they have the ability to choose to consciously (not) act from them as oppose to being on "auto-pilot." Most people who stay through the program, and fulfill their commitments towards a daily practice of mindfulness meditation, often leave with a renewed sense for life.

However, mindfulness meditation is not simply a cure-all. It is a mechanism for confrontation. With continued practice, we begin to attend to deeper levels of our being - older emotions and more primordial thoughts - all buried from a time we may have long forgotten (or are choosing to not remember). Soon, we enter a cycle - a cycle of confrontation.

My first battle was to dispel the belief that I cannot tolerate my emotions, which felt (and still does) very intense and visceral. I realize my fear was not only that I could not tolerate my emotions, but that I will "fall apart," and that will alienate me from others. My fear of being alone did not allow me to accept my experience of my emotions as they were known to me - so I had become disconnected to myself and felt so very lost. Mindfulness meditation made me confront this fear(s) - it required that I tolerate the emotions, and come to observe its need to flow through me for it to reveal its transient nature. I walked out that battle knowing that my emotions are me, and that while I am discomforted by the intensity, I cannot deny them.

My second battle was to dispel the notion that I am "bad." An incident with a friend triggered me to "shut down" - an instinctive and protective mechanism by which I withdraw into myself and tend to my emotional and mental wounds. My friend did not know what to make of my response, and had to wait the few hours for me to eventually reveal what had happened. However, the practice of mindfulness meditation made me realize that I had to attend to this idea - to see it for what it is, and not what I have made it out to be. Viscerally, I could feel the fear and pain coursing through me. I knew I had to attend to it, and comfort myself through the process. I also learned that it is not for wanting people to help me, but that the only help they can truly offer is support - a presence. A presence with space. I walked out of that battle recognizing that no one has the ability to make me "bad" - only I hold that key. With time, I confronted the varied expectations I had placed on myself, and only asked that I take myself as I am - to work with that which is true about me and to simply trust myself.

My third battle was to acknowledge the pain of loneliness, and discard the armor (i.e. the guard of illusions) I had created to protect myself from that pain. I was angry with myself - angry that I had operated under this false notion that I was an "open" person only to realize that I was not for fear of being alone. Something deep within me provided comfort and asked that I accept solitude. My mind created an image of this armor. During meditation, I visualized taking it off leaving my skin raw and bare - acknowledging the pain of loss of something "known." It is difficult to explain what took its place, but for days after, I was gelatinous inside. I walked away from that battle coming to terms with my delicate nature, and embracing it as me.

Now, today as I write this, I am on my fourth battle. I have learned from the last three experiences - resistance is futile. It only makes it more painful. So when my heart sank in-wards, I knew I had to prepare to face my next truth. Many hours of sitting and attending to my sitting resulted in one revelation - I am angry. Years of anger and resentment are boiling up in me. But as quickly as the truth of my pain was revealed, the balm to alleviate it surfaced. Compassion and Forgiveness. Now, I sit facing the many sources of my anger - person, place, moment in time - and I practice offering compassion and forgiveness both to that source and myself. Anger is a part of me, but now I need to let go of it in a sincere and meaningful way.

As my teacher tells me, this will not end. It is a cycle - once you are on this path, either you see it all the way to its end or you accept you need to jump of it. I may say that I wish I did not practice, but that would be a lie. The gift at the end of each battle, I am closer to myself. I come to know myself in a more honest way, and accepting myself as I am truly gives me peace. So, I choose this journey with full knowledge that I will encounter this time and time again. However, I am beginning to appreciate that I will only grow stronger with each encounter.